ISO Smail for SWF 29yo

Yeah, bitches... for those of you that didn't read the village voice @ the ripe age of 14 dreaming of the creepy things the ppl in those ads did w/ each other and wondering how your various holes worked... let me translate for you-

ISO: in search of

SWF: single white female

yo: years old

as for smail- you'll need to watch Benny and joon to understand that. and if you don't get it- don't bother cuz you can't be my smail then anyway...

essentially, i need a nicey person for fun, mental stability, light housecleaning and care-taking. you'll figure it out as you go along. consider it fun community service aiding the mentally unstable. you'll have to fill out an application though. inquire within.

it's all fun n games til i hurt someone

yeah, whatta you got? i just returned the nicey bug skirt from j crew that i obsessed over for mths and bought myself for my birthday. no cash flow yo. they only gave me the sale prices (1/2 price!!) cuz ya know- i wore it once. well, they didn't know that- they just saw it hadn't any tags and i was all "what receipt?" you do what ya gotta do. didn't need that skirt anyhow. stoopid bugs.

after almost coming to blows w/ drunken white boys who were harassing sleeping homeless ppl on monday nt (or rather tues morn) @ 12:45 a.m. in harvard square, and watching crash, i'm a lil depressed. oh wait...i was depressed before.

but i figured out why. boys, this ain't for the weak so you may need to stop reading soon. i have my period for the 2nd time in 3 yrs! gross. prob cuz i was boastin' that i don't gots one. sheeet. well, on the bright side, it t'aint a real one. more like a cruel, yet gentle, reminder that i, too, have a reproductive system. gee thanks. so.... maybe this is why i'm a wreck? yeah, well it's a nicey scape goat, no?

i'll leave you w/ a tale of yesteryear. so, i'm at charlie's in harvard square drinking w/ db's boys (db was nyet there)...oh say 5 yrs ago...living in coolidge corner @ the time. i am hammered!!! i get on the 66 bus which would have dropped me off right outside my housey- had i not fallen asleep on the bus and awoke in dudley square (meaning not a good hood for a drunk girl to be @ 1 a.m. in a mini skirt and knee-high boots). i was cold, confused- hell, i was drunk! and it took me forever to find a taxi. it was v sad for lil ole me. but we can laugh about it now. hah hah

i'll smack that condescending smirk off yer face. watch it

hate and disillusion- week in revue

ok: a brief update of why i hate, and some of why i love....and why i shouldn;'t even bother trying...

thursday: lovely luncheon w/ boss and cohorts. had a blast. too bad coworker suggested i date his hair piece sporting eccentric cousin who's gotta be pushing fifty. have i really reached despair? jeezuz save my soul.

friday: took on sitting upon children for $. actually looking forward to it. mostly cuz house has cat.

friday: fridge to be replaced. the stoned, sniveling little shits that delivered new unit fukkin jostled cabinet/granite and fukked up wall and sozio- owner of shithead sozio's is trying to say it wasn't their fault. fukk this house owning bullshit!!!!!! i HATE THEM. FUKK YOU SOZIO

sat: go to nicey ny and see nicey fam and realize how much i love big brother and nicey sis in law.

have nicey holi, and have blast w. granny, who spends entire day making pantaloons for the stuffed lion i gave her in march. love the nannypants!!! love mom too, and of course ADORE wee brair. even was ok w/ step-pants.

long story short (for now, cuz you know i'm long winded. bitches): wake up this morn and my kitty ate my paycheck. hah! brought pieces to bank like bad mom of nicey paper-devouring cat.

if yer in the trades: today I HATE YOU

who's that girl in my party pants? you sexy bitch!

last night was my nicey holiday party and oh what fun i had. i am, indeed, quite rusty @ being a hostess, but that aside, it was good craic.

there was some exchanging of the pants, some darts, and some dancing. i think we lasted til 2 (?) and given the 13 person plus pussy count (in my one room treehouse) - i'm impressed that we didn't get yelled @ by the biddies in my senior citizen dorm.

i'm finally outta my funk, which is pretty sweet bro. now i can get on the train tomorrow morning w/ vodka in my v-8 and a back-up flask o' whiskey and hit new york in proper form. detox, my ass- it's ON boys!!!

yum, that breakfast candy bar was tasty.

it's like jonathan richmond once sang, "we need friends to come over to our swingin' pad".

so, come over!

detox

detox, botox, gimmee a whiskey on the rocks.

ouch, sucks to wake up fully clothed w/ stains on forehead from the confetti i spit-glued to my forehead. at least i untangled the silver tree branches from my hair before going to work this morning. too bad sleeping in plastic holiday necklaces leaves stains on yer neck. i look pretty. heheheheh

shoulda known how it was gonna go down. crashed a holiday party @ a place where i haven't worked in 3 yrs (that sounds depressing, i know, but it's fun). kicked it w/ one of my best biddies. drank too much. fell asleep on the bus to a diva's birthday party in jp. do i have narcolepsy??? drank lots, decorated self w/ bar holiday accessories, pondered how i hate ppl. i don't recall much on the way home.

of note: one of our nicey frens (much nicer than moi) got into a fist fight w/ a crazy guy en route to bar. bizarre.
and another nicey fren karaoked the birthday diva and it was totally hott!

i didn't even know i liked karaoke til last week.

so, i'm gonna detox til nye. i drink too much. i am a bit of a mess in a dress.

plus, sobriety is good for poverty.

think i'll take a nap in the wrestling room @ lunch...

cold cox

haha, i love it. a girl after my own juvenile heart. A SNOW PENIS!!!

poverty barn

well, yall must be tired of hearing me sing the money blues.

so, instead i'll tell you about a dream i had last nt. i was hiking 'round jp pond but there were all these castles and forts there too. i was w/ db. we were trying to get to this castle by sliding down this grassy knoll... and i lowered myself down onto this ledge that couldn't have been more than 1.5 inches wide. i thought i could just slide down the hill to the path, but when i looked down again it was a straight fall down this stone wall to a concrete path-- 4 stories high!!!! i was on the brink of falling, holding myself up w/ my arms-the heels of my palms on the ledge. scared shitless. i asked db to grab me and pull me up cuz if i fell i'd break many bones, if not die. he said it wasn't feasible, and rather than both of us getting hurt in doing so, it was better for me to just jump/let go. i woke up seriously anxiety-ridden and terrified-- by my alarm. just in time. it wasn't gonna be pretty.

so what does that tell you about db and my experiences w/ him? jeezus. throw me to the wolves, he would. he did.

btw...i may also get in retail trouble for having extensively edited the posting filled w/ typos. goes to show: even if you can't spell, you can still sell.

still morbid, but less surprised by the evils thrown my way.

fukk me

so, how can it get worse, you ask?
well, the shitehead contractor who still has crap to finish in my housey BROKE the building's intercom!!!! now I ( as in mememememememe) have to pay several HUNDRED dollars for the repair. i hate EVERYTHING. mostly $, my contractor, and my plumber. fukking cocksukkers. hate them hate them hate them.

please give me sedatives for christmas.

i want to live in a group home for the mentally ill where i can participate in arts and crafts and holiday sing a longs.

time to sell more blood. my arm's gonna fall off soon.

eggs anyone?

i hate you dot com

if yer a an asshole, who's male, there's a chance that i hate you.
do you hang out w/ chicks just to hit on em? i may hate you.
do you ignore em when they say they just wanna be friends? i hate you.
are you creepy and elusive? i hate you.
do you cheat on yer wife? i hate you.
were you wearing red pants w/ santas on them last nt? i definitely hate you.
were you defending your boss (the guy w/ the fukkin country club santa pants)? i hate you too (though your girlfriend seemed lovely).

if you're male and you think i may hate you, yer probably right. you might wanna call for a confirmation.

my apologies to those i drunk dialed last nt to tell you how fukkin much i hate the males that i encountered on my eve'nin journey, but i tried to be considerate and call the west coast for the most part (time difference).

holy fukkin moly

ok, so i need to become a prostitute, or win the lottery.

i have to pay 10.5 THOUSAND dollars in 6 mos to my condo association for the external repairs they're making to the building. i am soooooooooo fukked that i might die right now.

so, pls don't ask me to do anything that requires $$ ever again cuz i gots none.maybe i can get me some food stamps for christmas.

good thing bloggin is free.

on another note, my contractor- the worst laborer in the fukkin world, has broken the entire building's intercom system and i have to have it fixed!!!

what the fukk did i do to deserve this shit?

reversible panties?

ok, so i am wearing my panties inside out. what? maybe i meant to do that.
well, i didn't mean it, but who cares really. blame it on the whiskey.

last night i hit triple D's w/ some of the finest singers and swingers in town. i had an absolute cock rockin time @ gary-oke (karaoke w/ your host gary). god love old-man neighborhood bars. i even welcomed the young punks into my heart. must be the holiday season. some swinger touched himself while singing. um, yeah, that's hott. and of course the ladies loved me. i've been a chick magnet my whole life. hey, someone's gotta love me, right? it was a mad BLAST. there was some ass-shakin, cash singin and crust punkin. trust me, if you weren't there, you wish you were.

though, i didn't really need that last whiskey...
now that's just the panties talkin.

the sassy lassie who's gonna help me sell my charm to nerds made a flyer for me. she noted i was blonde. ya think i can pass for blonde? i don't wanna false advertise.

the question of the day: do i go to shabbas (sp?) tonight? what? i can jew too.

the weather might be shite, but, baby, i'm on top of the world again. she's baaack.

betty fekkin crocker

more like bridget bloody jones... (no, it never gets old for me)

so last nt @ 11 pm i baked brownies for the office holi party. i left the oven on all night long (something i've never done before). so, in addition to jeopardizing my and tabby's lives, and supporting NStar, i crisped some of the brownies. so i ate bout 6 fer brekky. gross now. good in the moment.

i've just had a brainchild. i am going to sell myself as a date (no touching) to nerds and others who need someone in a holiday cocktail dress so their cohorts are impressed. whatta ya think? my colleague is creating a flyer as we speak!!!

i was inspired by fuego pants and thereby bought a scratch tikky last nt. a $5 tikky on which i "won" $5. i'm gonna go put dat $$ back into the system. :) maybe i'll win more, beavis.

i feel slightly less grinchy today, though i'll still bite yer head off if you cross me. beware, bitches. bridget's back and on craic.

deck yer own halls, shithead

not really sure what i'm lookin for... pretty sure i won't find it if i continue to live in a whirlwind where i fill every ounce of my time and avoid making decisions. should i stop flipping coins to decide my fate? at least i've stopped flipping cars off while on my bike (well, that's merely cuz i stopped riding. thought i'd have icycles of the poonani if i kept it up).

a guy on the bus yesterday said " colder than a witch's tit in an ice bra. i'd heard the tit part before, never the bra part. the things you learn on the bus in mental square.

so, um yeah, i've decided to start paying attention to the signs that the higher forces plant for me to help me make decisions. like panties (ask me, if yer curious. haps i'll expound on this). revolutionary, really. (insert sarcasm here).

well, other than being tired of my jobs, winter, cheeseloaves, shite relations, and my inability to tell ppl to go fekk themselves...i'd say i'm ready for some fekkin holiday cheer.

sukk on diesel, mate.

the lil old lady that lived in a studio, um ...shoe

ok, so i think i'm on the verge of being one of the old, lonely ladies in my building who yells at movers, contractors, and anything else male- b/c they're angry they've been all alone for centuries.

so i played the role of retail diva til half nine (that's 9:30 to you micless wonders). then i took my swingin self to the tacqeria for a burrito. talk about sad. here, i sit, talking to kitty (well, that's respectable, me thinks) sippin sherry. thinkin...sould i watch a movie, write holi cards, or make an infamous list of things to do. ok, yup, am officially spinster like bridget jones. only not torn about daniel cleaver or mark darcy. and my mum isn't having an affair w/ orange julian.

really, i've got nothin for ya. so sodd off and stop trying to live vicariously through me. i have enough to worry about!

a three-way

i'm contemplating getting a hand held shower head (girls, you know why) and kohler has a nicey one called the family three-way. that's just dirty.

it's snowing like a beast here. is quite divine from my cozy, christmas-cow-light clad wall of windows. i can't see beyond the sill, really. given that i'm cozy- w/ my tea and having downed 1/2 a pizza, let it snow ...

so, there's this video of me, as many of you know, dancing my pants off @ a friend's wedding last fall. it's quite a hoot given the level of intoxication necessary to get me to dance. twas a night of falling, rolling round in a rock garden, extreme dancing, and general poor behaviour. i was on fire! ice ice baby. so, i want the world to see me in my glory- but will that ruin the anonynimity of the blog? right, cuz yall don't know who i am. boo! it's quite a sight. i was once embarrassed, but now i stand holding my head high, and my highball higher.

i drunk dialed my mom!

here i sit on a terdsday morn, pondering the eve prior. i dressed up like a princess. i was well-behaved -for a while. it was REALLY cold. i had a princess in crime. the bartender was hot, albeit w/ a band on his finger. it was all good. and then i realized in a club of 500+ ppl, that no one (save the bartender) was hott. i mean no one. there was nyet eye candy, not tarts nor vicars. they were all hohum. i was secretly glad that i could now go to bed knowing that i'm not missing any hotties in this population, but i was also a lil sad that i couldn't fixate on anyone, just for a drink. after double fisting my whiskey (it was so hard to get drinks, it being open bar n all- you woulda done the same thing) i pondered following the eminem lookin shady guy to the loo for kicks. but sumpin told me his girlfriend (who was bigger than moi) would've given me a few kicks. that didn't stop me from waiting outside the men's room, but dude was in ther efor a while. i gave up. ahh, that moment of clarity. good thing i had me head about me.

so this lil princess made it home before she turned into a pumpkin (well, only tabby can vouch for that) but apparently i made a few calls first. i made call #1, and hopefully didn't leave a mean or emotional message (eww...bad princess). and then i called my mom! which is fine save the fact that i didn't recall til i called her this morn saying "sorry i didn't catch ya last night. oh i caught her all right, in the web of my maturing alcoholism.

one more t(h)ing ya dirty mates... has your past come outta the woodwork? i mean really? tis the season for exes, marrieds, discards, and general men in my lives (i have 9) to come carolling @ my door. fekkin funny. obviously it isn't really me, the princess, that they miss...else they woulda come a hollerin in october, nyet december.

i woke up this morn (in a wee bit of a fog) and realized that tabby had dug the dirt out of my ficus tree potter. guess she's yearning for the outdoors? my treehouse is a mess! mostly cuz my clothes are strewn everywhere!!

happy holidays, bitches!

you are like my porcelain pony (ewww, what?)

so i won my first dart night in ages. mind you i haven't played in ages. but it was good fekkin craic regardless. making nicey frens w/ new ppl- from crew. aren't yall proud that i'm reaching out? the old me would never be so open to new ppl. wow, the old me was a bitch.

you know, the old me (we're talking a couple years ago) never woulda sported a bra w/ padding either. i always thought it was false advertising, kind of like me being nice on a first date. hah! shudder to think. but now, ever since my lovely former roommate looked stacked w/ her pillows, i've been obsessed w/ em. even bought a new pair o' tits last night. well, i was lookin fer stockings w/ a black seam up the back, but couldn't find em. sorrow.

regardless, i will be a pretty pretty princess tonight in my spensive but savvy threads @ the swingin holi party.

so merv, the contractor, told me my potrack wouldn't fit in my kitchen and i should get another one. well, my tape measure says it would, and it's my fekkin kitchen, so stop pretending YOU live here merv, and hang the fekkin thing. he also brought the screen for my window, which i requested back in june when i actually wanted to open the cursed thing. well, let me tell you, i think he hired a blind, one-armed senior citizen to make the wretched thing. did i say rhombus?!?! jeezuz, joseph and mary. holy fekkin canoli. i could beat him w/ a pole (no, not a polak. gosh you're so racist).

i saw my favorite tender of the bar last night, which was exciting. good to know i always have a home in mental square. it's like cheers w/o a credit card machine or fraser.

i have yet to receive one damned holi card yet, so could you please get on that!

i have a neeting this morning w/ a medium-wig from the bidniz school. i can tell from his voice that he isn't a hotty. that shouldn't matter you say. WRONG i say. how can one expect me to get through the day w/o a lil eye candy?

instead of thinking of men as gum, i have evolved into thinking of em as those figurines in boxes of Rose tea that i thought were precious when i was lil. i used to collect em, all so different and exciting. i rarely got a duplicate. they were lil pearls to me. consider me an appreciator of men, then, if you will. most of you are lovely, at least as part of a collection (haha, don't be offended. you know i love ya).

my snowglobe is filled w/ whiskey

there was an odour, if you will, on the bus this morning that was cigarette smoke and bad aftershave mingling. it wasn't whelming, but it was wretched, and it did make me feel vomitous. it smelled like my stepfather when i was younger. and while i'm learning to be amicable towards the creature, the smell calls upon less than fond memories @ best.

i guess it doesn't help that i can't shake this cold and am high on 'non-drowsy' meds. i am a cheap date indeed. slip me some robitussin and BAM, i'm yours.

i had to decommision my bike til the ice on the sides of the streets melts b/c it was a death fest waiting to happen yesterday. can't croak before christmas. well, i do have a will now. hmm...who will inherit all of my debt? hopefully not tabby. she's used to a lifestyle of victuals and naps.

my christmas cow lights are up in the office and i'm ready to rock around the christmas tree. i dunno bout yall but i'm psyched for a season of spiked eggnog and mistletoe. although i should do some soul searching and list making so i don't corner myself into being one of those old biddies in my apartment building who's bitter about being old and is therefore bold. well, maybe that'll be a new year's resolution. for now it's sugar plums and pinchin' bums for me (arses. not homeless people, mind you).

a lovely lassie emailed me my horrorscope:

12/4/2005 to 12/10/2005 VIRGO
You are in the mood, in the know and ready to settle down with someone whohas the potential to be everything you want in a partner. Set your goalsspeak of your intentions and prepare to move to the next stage.

i ate so many day-old desserts last night that i'm still ill. g-ross!

with love from lala land

merv the perv

while i prefer to share naughty stories w/ yall, sometimes i really do need to use you like a journal, so, w/o further ado, tarts and vicars...my w/e in a nutsack, um...shell.

friday aft i learnt of my sincere and morbid poverty...
i was forced to take multiple cash advances on my cards to pay off my inappropriate contractor (i don't think it's standard etiquette for him to ask me how my sex life is going, or if i'd caught my cold b/c i slept naked). i was a wreck. broken, forlorn, depressed. so after my retail duties were fulfilled, me and my newly purchsed potrack hit the town. i started @ a bar where the tender of said bar is a guy who didn't make it to date 3 w/ me last year. while the whiskey was lovely, i was sad to learn that he thought he had a chance in hell w/ me. although, the new me is v v nice when conveying this info (as opposed to the old 'mean' me). i met many bizarre and disturbing characters on my one woman drinking tour and landed myself w/ quite a throbbing head the next morn.

luckily, i recovered in time for adventures w/ nerds followed by good, old-fashioned bar room brawls and misbehaviours. it was my personal heaven. i witnessed a bar tender flying over the bar to assist in breaking up a fight. there were even masses smoking in the bathrooms. it was like the swill n sweat moved to southie, but w/ tougher characters.

sunday i met chester mccormick, my tall handsome,nicey-smelling christmas tree. he's home hangin w/ tabby as we speak. i can't wait to see what i put under the tree for me this year.

lastly, i'll tell you that i started winter training w/ the men's crew this morn, cuz the lassies just can't get it together. it was good fekkin craic mate. even made a new potential dart partner, which is good fun.

i didn't hurt or get hurt. nobody fell, or flashed their bits, i didn't even buy myself any pressies. i hope to do more stoopid shite soon so i can tell you about it.

if you know anyone that wants to buy my blood, urine, toe nail clippings, pls let me know. i've got a whole new kinda debt, baby.

boo boynton, no joe

so, as you may already know, joe thornton has been traded and is now a shark. bye joe, we'll miss you. what's worse, for me anyway, is the fact that my dearest nick boynton got married and had a baby!! the nerve. and i was gonna become an Ice Girl for him. shya. i'll hold off on those skating lessons now, nick. boooo... couldn't wait for me could ya? well, when down and out, tis best to rebound immediately. so, i've gots me a new bruin. pat leahy. well, yes, he's a bit young. and maybe not my type (i don't think i have a type any more - i color outside the lines), but he's cute. and he's from duxbury, so, you know, i'd get to holiday w/ the in-laws. 83, baby. go Pat! well, i've never yelled that name before.

on a different note, why oh why do we miss things that aren't good for us? that were barely tolerable in the moment? that made us stay up nights wishing we could vomit our hearts out? why do we carry nostalgia and love for shit that started years ago that wasn't even that good? shit that we'd never ever ever put up w/ now? is this the nature of the beast? is it a flaw of the heart that makes us think fondly of and cling to and hold dear to all this CRAP? we all have this, don't even try to deny it. the shit that you take from another person, that one person, who could get away w/ anything. and you don't know why... why you let them? why you love them? why you miss them? you just don't know. you bury it, hide from it, override it, but does it ever really go away? or are we all haunted and tainted for life? and how the hell do you saunter up to the table to anyone- saying, "here's what i got" when there's toilet paper stuck to your shoe?

and if you don't have baggage, you've probably never had a sincere relationship and that's even scarier cuz who the hell wants to train an emotional virgin?

jeezuz help us all. we are fekked!!!