kayak attack

this w/e i went to a friend's place on the cape, w/ all my rockin peeps. we had nicey fun, lots o' food, water sports (no peeing on ppl, silly, that's grossy), and lawn games.

i had a super time. i managed to flip over in a kayak twice. my friend's brother said no one had ever flipped their kayaks before. i was the first! so proud am i.

magnum p.i.

ok, so last nt i get a vm from a private investigator and i return his call interested in what desperate housewives quagmire i'm associated with.

turns out, dude is looking for db, my ex. says he has disappeared w/ his new van a few mths ago and they need to retrieve it. v interesting. v v sketchy.

they have me listed as his ex-wife. wrong. how did they get my cell? what's weirder: they don't know anything about his fam (his dad works for the co that sold him the truck, and i think his dad co-signed the loan). they ask me for info on his fam. i refuse to get those nicey ppl involved.

dude asks me what db does for work? wouldn't they know that by his car loan application?
sketch!

i tell the dude the truth- that i haven't been in touch w/ db since last sept. then i tell him that i won't give him any info , and that he doesn't seem like a v good p.i. if he doesn't know the basic loan application info. dude won't tell me how he got my info. sketch!

then i call db's bf and tell him to warn db.

will he ever stop haunting me?
sketch!

nicey icey

 


well kids, it's true. i'm going out to be an ice girl. even though i was told by a lady friend of mine last nt that i was on the old side, and not on the busty side. i'm still doing it. you'll hear more from me in three weeks, bitches. can glenn murray say no to this icey biatch?

on a different note...i was out rowing today and we warm up in pairs- so while stern pair (i'm 7 seat) sits still, w/ knees bent, 6 seat comes pretty close to hitting me in the back when he's up @ the catch (it was a mixed boat- guys are taller in this game, so their reach is longer). anyway, i started freakin out internally over the irrational fear that i would get a surprise tap on the spine.

which...quickly made me recall this is so b/c my stepfather used to come up from behind me and touch my back and i HATED it. back in the day when he was a certified boozer, he was really quite creepy.

then...this thought made me remember more thoughts i'd rather forget and i subsequently questioned if therapy would be good for me. maybe i wouldn't twitch anymore @ the thought of a surprise touch on the back during rowing, of all non-dirty things.

but, really, why have someone else psycho analyze me when i've already analyzed my psycho self.

too much information (tmi). i know. sorry, kids. 

shabbos, carpet baggin and a few good mickeys

so, friday night i attended my 1st ever shabbos/shabbat. i learned about something that was like the torah, but called pathos?, frozen manishevitz wine (yum), hebrew songs, and damn yummy food. i had a blast @ shabbos and look forward to another jew friday soon. yay jews! a shablog has been started to honor the event.

saturday my favorite mickey ever came into town from the mother country. i spent a night drinking w/ him and his boss. it went something like this, "one more for the road, one more for the road, one more for the road, ...you're not leaving NOW", so i dutifully stayed.

random thoughts:
i just realized last nt that i have been selling 4x6 rugs @ the brothel, but actually giving away three rugs @ a time (they are bundled in threes). i was indeed wondering how a 4x6 came to be so bulky when rolled up. oops. no one has returned their "extra" rugs. i guess the inventory/profit margins will be v v off this season. oopsy.

and, i just went into my chaotic bottom file drawer and began to eat a kudos bar w/ mnm's. it wasn't til i was fully nibbling away that i realized someone else had already begun nibbling my kudos. upon deeper invesitgation, and complete fear and repulsion, i found that our resident mice had eaten through my condiment packets, kudos, etc, and pooed and peeed on all my stuff. i hope the sharing of the kudos didn't just give me some poisoning. like bob dylan in chicken shit...i long not to be the lassie who got sick sharing her snacks w/ rodents. gross.

Warning:
OCD levels will now rise.

old n burnt

ok, so last nt there was a condo meeting @ my housey. where these seniors and feeble minds spent 40 minutes asking the same 3 questions in five different ways. i was so fed up w/ their inability to comprehend basic english, that i up and left. i wasn't the 1st to go. an older, eccentric lady, covered in tattoos experience agita even before i did. oy. can't wait to read the minutes from this meeting. bejeezus.

so, google (whom i love dearly and want to work for) has this photo organizing/editing software called picasa and it finds all the pics everywhere on your computer in 20 seconds. well, i found a few i'd like to share (only i'm cutting my face outta these puppies. one is me w/ sunburn in thailand. it looks like a reverse bikini. i had to get on a plane the next day back to the states w/ that burnt flesh. ewww....

anyway, tonight i'm going to shabbat/shabbos. peace be w/ me. i'm excited for slushy wine.

  

just one of the (teenage) boys

last nt a lovely lassie of mine took me to the theatre. it was a shakespearean number, love's labour lost, turn into a demi-musical. twas quite nicey, save the part where i took a nap during act I cuz i was sooo sleepy.

theatre doth make a lassie heavy in the head.

this morning, 2 women on my crew did not show (bad biddies, bad), leaving us 2 shy for rowing an eight. however, one of my favorite rowers and myself (together we are 'stroke pair', doesn't that sound dirty? it's only cuz we're in the front of the boat and everyone follows our stroke)rowed w/ a local high school boy's crew. it was hilarious; they were adorable. they grunt for fun. they roll too aggressively up the slide. they have no grace. it was my dream of being one of the boys come true. only we're much better rowers than they are so i think they were a tad humbled. but awesome, nonetheless.

the highschool girls crew were a lil peeved by our presence though. don't worry, honey, i won't steal your man, um boy.

goose egg

ok, so today my craigslist posting to sublet my condo for quick cash expired, and i resubmitted it. then....a flurry of emails. i was doing the money dance in my office. well, i thought it was a bit weird that there were so many responses, and lots from younger ppl, and that no one asked for a break on the exorbitant rent.

well, i just realized that i left a "0" off of the monthly fee. oops. but who thinks that i'd charge ya $250 for a w/e, $600 for a week, but a bargain $210 for a month!!!!!?????

does that make sense?

back to square one. prostitution.
um, kidding.

a pain in me arse

briefly, my loves, b/c i'm off to my last tennis class.

so yesterday @ lunch i took a cardio/sculpt class. the instructor was a towny who would've fit in perfectly @ gold's gym in revere. i'm not knockin her- it's just a fact. but she was one bad ass bitch. and she whooped me good. my arse is killin me. i'm eating pringles for breakfast to make me buns feel better.

after crew this morning, i went to the hotel to fetch the abandoned coat from sat nt. i spent half the aft/eve on the tele yesterday w/ the hotel 'detective', solving this mystery. gosh they must get bored @ work. but those lil sleuths found it. god love em. i even told em to forget it but they wouldn't let it go. you'd a thunk i had me an hermes coat misplaced. good to know they're equal opportunity nancy drews though. and not once did anyone say, "you fool! you got loaded and left it here ya lil ho!".

boobs and a golden shower

okay, so today i'm putzin round my apartment before work, picking up the clothes and miscellany i've strewn about and i find the directions to my space boobs. well, it seems that the lil hooks that i couldn't figure out the purpose of are so you can hook the space sticky boobs together for cleavage. damnit! i coulda been busty if i'd only read the directions. oi. oi.

well, the hotel can't find my jacket. good thing i didn't leave my purse w/ coat check too. i tried, but they said, "i'm sorry, we can't take personal belongings". is my jacket impersonal? i'm confused. but twas a mighty good ting after all, ya wee mickey.

so, last nt, @ the brothel i recalled my 1st day of p/t slave retail labor. i was using the loo w/ my apron on. and my apron tie went into the bowl and mingled w/ my urine. i was totally repulsed. so, i removed my apron (and my name tag from said apron) and tossed it in a corner and quickly grabbed a new one. i hope no one ever wore that pee-stained apron, cuz that's just gross. in retrospect, i shoulda thrown it away.

eww, pee.

filtered religion, menthol favored

ladies and yentlemen,

a little distraction from this wretched weather that's bound to give me root rot. tis nasty. if scotland and seattle gave birth to a love child, it would be this repugnant 8-day stretch of rain, cold and gloom...which is now expected to continue through thursday. jeezus. on wednesday, they say, we may have a drizzle or a thunderstorm. gee, thanks for clarifying. and i may have cereal, or egg n cheese on a bagel, for breakfast. momos they be, indeed.

anyway, so that distraction i promised-

on saturday i went to church for the 1st time in yrs. it was pretty, and interesting, and comforting, i must say. although i felt a lil rusty in the prayer/hymn area, so i stuck to amen, the peace-be-w/you- hand shake, and communion. but i couldn't swallow my slippery gum so i had to stick it under my tongue to keep it from mingling w/ the holy wafer- a.k.a the body of christ. menthol communion, like a newport cigarette.

later that evening, i had the distinct pleasure of being a pretty pretty princess for the fireman's ball. i had a rockin time. i even lasted til half 3. though i can't recall what i looked like @ that late stage of the game. but given that i avoided my usual sleep on the sofa party trick, i was mighty glad i held my head up for so long. the pre-prom nap helped fo sho!!!

i met nicey ppl and had nicey whiskey, and grouped peed w/ my newest female acquaintance. it was grand!!! i must call the hotel coat check today to see if/when i can fetch the coat i left there. alas... the next morning i had to drag my head thumpin, tummy turnin, back achin self to the brothel to perform slave labor for 8 hrs!!! i spent the 1st 6 hrs thinking i might die, but bounced back just in time to go home and drink smoothies w/ tabby.

i only have 1 bruise from sat nt. that's a bargain. and my houdini suspended boob pads are still sticky (=good), so i really haven't any complaints. i didn't even threaten to punch anyone.
damn, i'm good.

i just chipped a nail. oi.

mwah,
me

cookie puss

after i row row rowed my boat merrily up the charles this morning, i proceeded to consume massive amounts of shite. there i stood in shaww- no one was around- and i began to taste test the cookies in the bakery section. 12 cookies later i found myself eating donuts. glazed. mmm mmm good.

it wasn't til my 2nd dose of cookies that i got ill and realized i needed to quit cookies. at least for the day. i had to nap @ lunch to work out the kinks in my tummy. ewww...

so much to tell

gosh, where do i start?

last wed, i was paid $75 to drink gross beers that may become part of blue moon. i hope they're better once perfected.

the ppl who were gonna rent my condo bailed. there goes 2 g's this summer. oi.

went to ny w/ 2 swingin bitches. we had a nicey time mocking art @ the MOMA, rockin to bulgarian tunes, chillin on the staten island ferry, and eating experimental mexican-italian cuisine (i say never again to this fusion food).

i worked on 10th grade hw w/ my lil bro on sunday nt, which was actually interesting. chemistry whoops my arse.

i partook in some strange suburban commuter ritual on monday morning- heading from larchmont to grand central. ppl line up where they think the train doors will open and frown @ you if you don't. i played along. it was weird.

i had so much to tantalize yall w/, but i have a headache and an busy so you'll have to wait for new adventures to arise.

p.s. had a dream about db's ex. she was v nicey, and i warned her, and almost got me head knocked off by the man himself. is this sposed to mean i should keep this ole trapper shut?

lost, found, and fukkin around

well, i misplaced my sentiment-laden ring, 2 prs of ankle sox, and a thong today. i also lost an earring. who made me so prone to ridiculousness?

i am also capable of being a bad luck charm. want your car towed? want to get stuck in bostons biggest traffic jam in a decade? want to drop a case of beer? want to have the restaurant forget to pack the sashimi in your take out bag?
...hang out w/ me.

after a brilliant man had a brilliant idea about renting out my condo, i am going to live elsewhere for bits o' the summer and make a few g. i'm so excited about paying off my special assessment, i could actually wet myself. oops. kidding, no leakage hath occurred.

if this rain doesn't stop, i might scream. i'm tired of being wet and moldy w/ bad hair.

love,
flat chested helmet head sans an earring and a thong. oi.

the potato famine

i awoke yesterday with a longing in my heart that ached- a longing to go shopping and buy things i can't justify and indulge and be a princess. so i did. i am a bad, poor person, but @ least i'll be all gussied up eatin' dem raman noodles. yum yum gimmee some.

but, exhaustive shopping and a new pair of jeans wasn't all there was to be had.

my first pitstop was the penis-side gonorrhea (wow, i had to look up the spelling of gonorrhea). as i swung off my bike, unstrapped my helmet and walked determinedly into the mall, the sell-phone guy approached me and accentedly told me to buy his company's tele or something. i brushed past him and flatly said, "no thanks", meanwhile excitedly thinking of what might lie 3 stories above me in j. crew. he then managed to enunciate better so i might actually understand his english w/ this retort: " i like what you've done w/ your hair". WOW!!! now i am almost never dressed to impress, esp when out riding on a sunday, but this dude just sucker punched me in my ego. i didn't have a witty comeback about his booming caeer ready, so i had to keep walking. but really, Ouch!!!

so, i am in victoria's secret a bit later and i'm harmlessly shuffling through the cotton thongs (let it breathe, ladies, please). to go w/ my stellar hair, i should mention that i'm in a tank (no padded bra today, girls), capris and sneakers. 2 VS employees are about 7-8 feet away from me. one points @ me and says to the other (starting in a normal tone w/ the last 3 words in a poor excuse for a whisper) , "that's what i used to look like before...i had implants". WOW!!! i mean, seriously? i'm right here you lil shit brick! you might have implants but i can kick your ass to your plastic surgeon and back w/ one hand tied behind me. now, we all know i'm on the itty bitty titty committee, but who the hell says that? wow...

so, i proceeded to buy myself nicey things, including the adidas track top i snagged from a lady @ marshall's, to make up for being flat-chested w/ disheveled helmet hair. i then ate french fries AND a large bag of kettle chips and it felt good.