ATM: a telling moment

so, i go to the ATM and insert my card, enter correct pin, and request a whopping $20. the machine tells me it can't process my request. i repeat the process @ the ATM beside it. same error msg.

i go into the bank office and up to the teller to explain to him that there isn't any $ in the ATMs, b/c it won't give me a $20.

he explains that i'm using my credit card, instead of my ATM card, and that is the problem.

so, the ATMs weren't dry. i'm just fried.

embarrasing. but true.

new and noteworthy

i'm talking C-notes, biatch!

when you have the whole w/e off and all you wanna do it go to the beach, biatch, but it's pouring, gray, and frigid, ya gotta buy shit, mate, to make yerself happyscrappyheropup.

saturday morning, the mouth of the south and i embarked on an adventure to bloomingdale's. we got ther eso early, we opened the joint, yo. we played dress up-in charlie's angels pant suits and denim bra vests, and mocked the wealthy for their ability to buy shite for exorbitant prices.

a day @ the beach woulda cost parking and a slurpee. a day of crap weather, in fairness (that's for you, D), cost sushi lunch, an aqua skirt (love aqua!!!! the brand not the color), new sandals, and a mani/pedi. see how mother nature discriminates against the poor? making them poorer, is she a republican?

groping for ass

so many random thoughts in my wee head. here goes, fukker.

for the record, i was denied ice girl privileges. the boston boo-ins can sukk my ass!!!!! f you, ice queens.

ok, i'm over it.

so, i saw 2 men w/ leaf blowers screaming @ each other and battling w/ their blowers like they were light sabers in the frontal area of ann taylor in the square yesterday @ 5 in the morning.

the weather is crap, so even though i took the w/e off from the brothel, i can't beach properly. whores!!!

did i ever tell you that i accidentally answered the brothel tele, "good morning, pottery barn" once? i'm a stellar employee!!!

i woke up this morn and it smelled like waffles. mixed w/ the lack of sun, i feard for a second that is was autumn. it smelled and looked like early autumn. i became panicly depressed, remembered it was really the beginning of summer, and drove the evil tummy turning thoughts from my head w/ a mental picture of the beach. i recovered but it was a close one.

there's a mansion down the st from my condo whose alarm went off the other day. it hollers to stay away from the house in multiple languages. in case the thieves speak french?

i love dane cook!

chat mechant

um, yeah, bad kitty, i say!

Ok, so this w/e Tabby managed to knock my cell phone off the headboard of me bed into the depths of a pint glass filled w/ water. i can't prove it b/c i wasn't able to dust for pawprints- given the water and all.

I celly sunk instead of performing the deadman’s float.

Long story short, I lost ALL my #’s and am now the impoverished owner of a $200 camera tele.

bringing ireland to the people

this w/e was a medley of bizarre oddities and odd bizarrities.

i engaged in political, religious, and race relation conversations. which i usually avoid w/ passion. and to top that, i did so w/ a drunk irish-catholic from southie. it was quite a learning event for the likes of me.
given that i gave him the moniker 'stumbles' on the way home, i'll cut him a lil conservative slack.

not to mention that after swiggin my 5 cape codders that nt in an attempt to keep up w/ stumbles, i had myself a good old vomit in Adams Village the next morning. luckily, it's like Dublin, so no one really noticed my irish-lookin self in beach wear chucking against a truck tire. hott! so hott!

i went to hop on fitzy, my urban workhorse this morning, only to find his rear tire was flat. this was the icing on my tipsy, camera phone cake.

Ice Ice Baby

ok, so as some of you know i tried out to be Boston Bruins Ice girl on Wednesday. seeing as my skating abilities would not be appreciated when compared to those who can do things like stop intentionally and skate backwards, i opted to interview as a non-skating ice girl.

there were close to 100 ladies, and half of them looked like barbie. i sat there calmly, reading Dostoevsky, awaiting my turn for an interview. 10, even 5 years ago, i wouldn't have had the hootspa or cahones to do this and not be nervous or intimidated. but now, i couldn't care less. it was AWESOME.

i interviewed w/ a panel of 4 ppl- 1 being former bruin, lyndon byers. we connected. although i think they liked me overall, i hopefully (fingahd crossed) won myself a 2nd interview by being the 1st girl interviewed to know who the new GM is!!!!! LB and i exchanged knuckle high-5s. it was tittillating.

after my stellar interview, i took myself in my tracksuit to dunkin donuts. ...where i got into a fight w/ the dd dude when he gave me change for a 20 when i'd actually handed him a 50 (blood $). yeah, he apologized ...and shhok in fear of my wrath.

cheers to being the oldest ice girl candidate ever. hah!

not my g, homey

so, i've been sculling lately w/ a crew member lately, and it's been stellar! but let me tell you that this morning that we were informed by our coach that we'd actually been rowing private boats that are NOT to be used by the likes of us.

i'm talking about multiple thousands of dollars on these customized brand new boats!!!!

oops. well it was high living for a short time. they were sweet rides!

the immorality of mankind

so, i've been dealing w/ the guy who laid my floor last summer, b/c my bamboo is cracking and needs replacement. let's remember him as the guy who invested much time into trying to get up my sundress and into my skippies.

well, on saturday, dude's WIFE (w/ child noises in background), called to tell me he's out of the country for a while cuz his mom's terminally ill.

wow. how's yer wife, dude?

scumbag! if you screw me over on the bamboo, wifey and i will have a lil chat.

this is the kind of email i get... need i say more?

I am very interesting for your university ,I want to study to foreign university, I don’t know how can I get application for your university , such as how can I ready for information, because I am Chinese, so ,the policy of your university with foreign students especially for Chinese, the fare in semester all include,maybe those are my all question,would you give particular all information post to me .the following is my contact information

Permanent address: beiwa team,liangjia village,xigu town,baishi county,shaanxi province ,people’s republic of china
Postcode: 715608
My name: left anonymous

I sincerely waiting for your information as so as possibe

hit me! Freud!

Had a v v strange dream last nt in which I brought an old friend(the mess in a dress who’s having a baby)’s cat to the movies and it was not well taken care of. So when I dropped it, not cruelly, on it’s paws from only 2 ft off the ground, it managed to lose a tooth…bizarre. It’s teeth were wicked mis-cared for, but she blamed me. And then I was holding this lil bloody fang. Eww..

Next jump to my man friend and me @ his new house but it didn’t look like the real housey. Random ppl are there and they won’t leave b/c their friend used to live there and they think s/he still does. But we finally get em out. Then, my mom shows up w/ a woman and a lil boy in a Halloween costume. She runs to the front door, winks, throws some pumpkin décor on the front door, hands me a huge bowl and candy, and then behind her comes this adorable lil kid. He says, “trick or treat”, again my mom winks, and we give him practically the whole stash of candy. As he turns back to the car, my mom explains in a hushed tone that he was v sad that he missed Halloween so she pretended that he didn’t and that it was Halloween NOW even though it was the middle of summer. It was really v cute, but I kept thinking, ”what happens in October when it’s Halloween again?”

i had corn fawgs for lunch

this morning i awoke w/ a zealous flair and set off on old fitzy to go sculling w/ a team mate. pretending to race the few cars on the road @ 6:30 this morn, i flew down ass mav (mass ave). just as i approached the peoples' republik, a shite barroom i used to have affection for, i came upon a heineken bottle in my path. i couldn't swerve around it cuz i was tie w/ the garbage truck in our race (I don't think he knew we were racing, but i did). so i had no choice but to have old fitzy tread on broken glass. his shoe deflated instantly and a flapping sound was heard in the rear. he was down, w/ a wounded wheel. (oddly, my teammate had a flat tire too.)

dismayed, and delayed, i walked fitz to the bikeshop and locked him up outside, promising to return as soon as the shop opened @ 10.

i then walkeded the rest of the way to the boathouse only to find that it was bizarrely locked, and the secret davinci pass code did no good.

i brought fitzy to the nicey man @ cambridge bikes who gave him a new tube and tire, cuz that beer really f'd fitz up. the beauty was that dude also fixed my long-irritatng front wheel issues. issues that convinced me i needed a new bike.

so, the good news is that fitzy can remain #1 macho grande bike , and that i don't have to prostitute self for new bike.

moral of the story: what looks like a bad situation can sometimes be a great opportunity.

cock rock

so one of my bff's went to thailand for his brother's wedding (me 2 poor 2 go) and they went to this gorgeous island, ko samui. and my bff, who is one of the funniest ppl i've ever met took a picture of this penis rock. i love it!

formaldagyno

on some days, the hallway of this fine institution smells like vagina and formaldehyde mixed together. it makes you wonder who had a yeast infection during bio lab. ewww. this vomititiousness is only lessened by the smell of the actual ladies room. which, mind you can vary from tolerable to gag-ensuing. i'll let you mix n match the flavor options and disgust yourselves.

we all ask the same questions: who doesn't flush? who pees on the seat? who smells THAT bad? but it's obviously SOMEone. maybe it's time for video surveillance in the stalls to keep ppl real. i've nothing to hide but my occasional lack of skippies.