Chillin with my head in the toilet

not the same lil rebel i used to be

2006-10-27T09:38:00.000-04:00

i haven't blogged lately b/c the messy, mysterious lassie of yesteryear has grown considerably and is up to new, and much more reputable things. haps not nearly as exciting as falling off barstools- but much more fulfilling. though i do still worry about queefing in gym class while doiung hello dolly's (leg splits on your back) and dropping terds while droppin bombs.

soon i'll have a new blog, completely unrelated to this one- to express myself in new, and mature ways.

i'll email yall to tell you what it is. unless i don't know you. then yer fukked.

i grant forgiveness

2006-10-03T10:08:00.000-04:00

the drain company hath reimbursed me and apologized.

i am relieved and grateful.

now to sort out the floor retardation. when you can't sue the man who installed them b/c he disconnected his tele and the lumber co treats you like you have no clue you can actually sue them, it's hard to get ppl to take you seriously.

i will pee on them.

what to say?

2006-09-25T15:35:00.000-04:00

dear blog:

i'm sorry i avoided you for so long. it isn't that i don't love you or don't want to be friends. it's just that i've been so busy. 2 of my bff were in town from the mother country for their wedding so there was mad partying and socializing, hen parties, before parties, after parties, and a group honeymoon on the cape. so many loved oned from out of town!!!! so much love!!! and i've been trying to be better about school work, and work is so so busy. i am playing my boss as well as me these days you know. and i'm rowing a lot. and i'm head over heels for the dreamiest guy and i like to pretend i live @ his house. except that my cat's probably home making voodoo dolls of me cuz she's mad that she lives alone in the tree house cuz i'm beyond smitten.

but blog, you are nicey and i'll try harder. but you know how it is- life gets in the way.

bitch slap follow up

2006-09-05T16:29:00.000-04:00

bathroom part 2. it ain't ovah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear ___________,

I am writing this letter as an accompaniment to my 9/06 condominium fees payment.

The check is for the fee ($242.50) minus expenses to date ($233.35 ) totaling $9.15. I will keep you abreast of the cabinet/baseboard issue and would be happy to discuss solutions with you.

I have yet to hear back from either of you regarding this matter, but hope to soon. (___, you may still be away.)

Please feel free to call me at ___or ___ (cell) or email me at ___.

Sincerely,

i hate you, drain doc-whore!!!!

2006-09-05T16:17:00.000-04:00

picture me cursing my lil head off in a towel in the hall of my senior citizen dorm. it was UGLY.

Dear ________,

I am writing regarding a very disturbing and hindering occurrence that took place yesterday morning. Yesterday, Monday August 28 2006, I awoke about 8 a.m. to horrid and frightening noises coming from my bathroom. I opened the cabinet doors under my bath sink to see my pipes visibly shaking in tune with these wretched noises. I became immediately concerned and went into the hallway to see if any work was being performed. Workmen were outside a unit (the door next to 408- however, I’m unsure if it’s 409- where a woman named ___ resides) and when I asked if they were working on pipes or knew if anyone in 408 was, they replied negative. I told them why I was concerned and one man said there was probably air in the pipes. Knowing a bit about plumbing myself, I knew that this heinous sounds and movement was definitely not air in my pipes. I returned to my unit to find that black matter had began flowing from the P-trap. My alarm increased and I called ___ who paged ___, the maintenance man, for me. He called back very quickly and I explained the situation. He informed me that unit 301 was having drain clog issues and that the Drain doc-whore was working there. The noise and black matter were increasing so I raced down to 301 and knocked and rang the buzzer for several minutes. Receiving no reply, I called ___ back. He said he was at another site but would call Drain doc-whore, inform them of the issue, and head over in about an hour. I was far from content, especially given that I have just remodeled my entire bathroom, which cost upwards of $10,000. In tears, and feeling helpless, I figured I’d take a quick shower before ___ got there (b/c I had guests and wanted to go about our plans for their last day in town, if possible). While in the shower, I heard a wretched sound and looked out of the shower to find water gushing from the U-shaped pipe under my sink. The Drain doc-whore had broken right through and pierced the pipe!!! I called ___ in a panic, who informed me that the Drain doc-whore was actually in 408, not 301. I ran, in my towel, to 408 to tell them to stop immediately, to come look at what they had done to my bathroom, and to have someone take responsibility. I was very distraught, and not in the friendliest mood given the horrible circumstances. ___ showed up quickly when I told him a pipe had been pierced (I accidentally scared him b/c he thought I was referring to a main pipe). No one seemed to think this was a big deal. The fact that my bathroom was flooded and covered in black drudge, that my kitchen floor was flooded, that the bath mat, towels, items under my sink, etc were ruined- no one was very concerned. ___ was kind and helpful in leading the employees of Drain doc-whore in vacuuming up the water that hadn’t been soaked up by the 9 towels I used to stop it from flowing into my main room. ___ assured me that Drain doc-whore would clean up the mess and that the Condo Association would replace my damaged items.

The Drain doc-whore did a mediocre job of wiping up the water and sludge. After they left, I found more water under my cabinet- which is very hard to reach. While the liquid was mopped up, the floors were not cleaned. Strange germs from a neighbor’s sink remain on my bath and kitchen floors. My newly installed stone bath floor has black crud on it still that has dried in the cement in between the stones. My baseboard has stain marks. My bath sink cabinet has pieces dug out of the shelf from where Drain doc-whore used the tool to access 408’s sink (they did this to clear his sink after they’d realized they had ruined mine). There is another gauge in the cabinet from this as well. Additionally, some of my outlets now don’t work-even though I tripped the breaker.

So, while ___ was kind enough to assure me that the Association would replace my towels, bath mat, etc, I am concerned about the larger issues. I need a cleaning service to clean my bath and kitchen floors, my floor board painted or replaced, my bath cabinet replaced, and my breaker repaired. I also need to know that if anything goes wrong with my bath floor in the future regarding the moisture that was not removed from under the cabinet (I fear damage to 301’s ceiling) that I will not be liable for it.

___ kindly had ___, the plumber, come to my unit this morning to replace the pierced pipe. However, this is just the beginning of the repairs.

I spoke w/ Mr. ___ last night, to introduce myself less alarmingly. He was very kind and apologetic and said to send bills to the Drain doc-whore and to inform him if I had any problems. Please let me know if you wish for me to forward to letter to the Drain Doctor and Mr. ___ as well as yourselves.

Below please find a list of damaged items from this occurrence. I do not have receipts for any of the items but can obtain one for the cabinet. I’d be happy to price cleaners as well, unless you have one you prefer to use.

(lengthy list removed)

Please let me know the best way to go about resolving this. I prefer to have my floors cleaned ASAP as it is unnerving to have the leftovers of such an event in my home.

Please feel free to call me at __ or ___ or email me at ___.

Many thanks for your help and my apologies for the long, but necessary, letter.

Sincerely,

a closely cropped crap

2006-08-23T16:45:00.000-04:00

Let me begin this story by saying i wasn't at my house. i was @ my b'd house. oops.

I took a poo this morning, and while it wasn't large, it was mighty (i ate icre cream last nt- nuf said?). I flushed but things started coming up instead of going down. I panicked. I raced on my bike to brooks- praying my bf would NOT come home b/c he forgot something, etc (he had just left for class).

i returned triumphant- w/ a plunger. sweaty, nervous and ready to plunge- but it had all gone down. Gone!!! Did tabby fix it?

I was in a panic that I'd crapped all over his man town on my last day there!!!!

wipe it, wipe it good.

2006-08-18T09:26:00.000-04:00

ok, so i find blogging a lil trite lately- cuz i have nothing dramatic to say.
but then there's this.

the locker room in my boathouse has these individually packaged girly wipes for your bits and i took one to try cuz i thouhgt it was novel. around the same time i got my skirt caught in my bike bits and needed to buy shout wipes for the grease stain.

so, i'm in the loo and there's no tp, so i decide to reach into my bookbag and try the girly wipe. i use it, feel refreshed and move on w/ my day.

later on i'm looking through my bag for something and happen upon said packaged girly wipe. but no shout wipe....

need i say more? i Shout-ed my vagine. ewwww... stain lifter.

ewww w/ a capital EWWWW

2006-08-07T11:58:00.000-04:00

THE WOMEN'S RESTROOM @ THIS FINE INSTITUTION HAS HIT AN ALL TOME LOW W/ FRECAL MATTER RESTING ATOP AS NEST OF TOILET PAPER IN A TOILET BOWL.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWW

PPL ARE SO FECKIN GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sweat, hair and food

2006-07-31T13:57:00.000-04:00

so i was afraid of falafel sweat, but today there was a hair in my burrito- from anna's taqueria.

where is the germ-free bubble i wish to live in?

have you missed me?

2006-07-17T14:35:00.000-04:00

i've been in a silent lull of summer.

last Saturday a good lassie of mine and i went for a bike ride, beginning in dorchester and heading west to explore the great unknown (lexington, concord, you get the idea).

it was 90-something degrees and it's safe to say we were sweaty, smelly, and dirty. but having a blast!!

we never happened upon walden pond and were heading home, longing for a swim or a dip in some body of wetness, when we saw a pool in lexington. a "public" pool for the very private population of the snooty, wealthy town. although it was clear by our lack of SUVs that we were not from L'ton, we sauntered up to the pool boy collecting $5 from each resident, posited ourselves as residents and got in. we had to fill out a form w/ our names/tele/address. luckily my partner in crime had a list of streets from our directions.

in no time, our smelly lil selves were tainting the clean wealthy waters. hahah...

as we learned, it's like the MDC pools in the city, w/o the black people and band-aids floating in the pool.

ahh, lexington. thanks for the swim.

{please note that this is as rebellious and deviant as i've been lately. i'm getting old}

me so smart

2006-07-06T11:22:00.000-04:00

a girl can't really blame a kitty for soaking her cell phone, when said girl proceeded to toss her new cell into a puddle while bonding w/ the harbor seals at the aquarium.

it was rather freakish. it was night time and i was standing plumb against the wikkid tall wall o' glass w/ harbor seals swimming for me and then making upside down graceful turns when they approached the glass. i was getting face to face w/ them as they performed these intriguing moves, but when i bent over to meet a low flying seal w/ my eyes, my tele plopped out of my fake spade purse and scared the ppl nearby watching the seals. we thought the seal thumped the glass and broke it. but no, it was just my tele that started going abso-fukkin-lutely bizerker.

i need a waterproof tele.

ATM: a telling moment

2006-06-30T11:39:00.000-04:00

so, i go to the ATM and insert my card, enter correct pin, and request a whopping $20. the machine tells me it can't process my request. i repeat the process @ the ATM beside it. same error msg.

i go into the bank office and up to the teller to explain to him that there isn't any $ in the ATMs, b/c it won't give me a $20.

he explains that i'm using my credit card, instead of my ATM card, and that is the problem.

so, the ATMs weren't dry. i'm just fried.

embarrasing. but true.

new and noteworthy

2006-06-28T11:33:00.000-04:00

i'm talking C-notes, biatch!

when you have the whole w/e off and all you wanna do it go to the beach, biatch, but it's pouring, gray, and frigid, ya gotta buy shit, mate, to make yerself happyscrappyheropup.

saturday morning, the mouth of the south and i embarked on an adventure to bloomingdale's. we got ther eso early, we opened the joint, yo. we played dress up-in charlie's angels pant suits and denim bra vests, and mocked the wealthy for their ability to buy shite for exorbitant prices.

a day @ the beach woulda cost parking and a slurpee. a day of crap weather, in fairness (that's for you, D), cost sushi lunch, an aqua skirt (love aqua!!!! the brand not the color), new sandals, and a mani/pedi. see how mother nature discriminates against the poor? making them poorer, is she a republican?

groping for ass

2006-06-23T08:49:00.000-04:00

so many random thoughts in my wee head. here goes, fukker.

for the record, i was denied ice girl privileges. the boston boo-ins can sukk my ass!!!!! f you, ice queens.

ok, i'm over it.

so, i saw 2 men w/ leaf blowers screaming @ each other and battling w/ their blowers like they were light sabers in the frontal area of ann taylor in the square yesterday @ 5 in the morning.

the weather is crap, so even though i took the w/e off from the brothel, i can't beach properly. whores!!!

did i ever tell you that i accidentally answered the brothel tele, "good morning, pottery barn" once? i'm a stellar employee!!!

i woke up this morn and it smelled like waffles. mixed w/ the lack of sun, i feard for a second that is was autumn. it smelled and looked like early autumn. i became panicly depressed, remembered it was really the beginning of summer, and drove the evil tummy turning thoughts from my head w/ a mental picture of the beach. i recovered but it was a close one.

there's a mansion down the st from my condo whose alarm went off the other day. it hollers to stay away from the house in multiple languages. in case the thieves speak french?

i love dane cook!

chat mechant

2006-06-19T11:59:00.004-04:00

um, yeah, bad kitty, i say!

Ok, so this w/e Tabby managed to knock my cell phone off the headboard of me bed into the depths of a pint glass filled w/ water. i can't prove it b/c i wasn't able to dust for pawprints- given the water and all.

I celly sunk instead of performing the deadman’s float.

Long story short, I lost ALL my #’s and am now the impoverished owner of a $200 camera tele.

bringing ireland to the people

2006-06-19T11:59:00.000-04:00

this w/e was a medley of bizarre oddities and odd bizarrities.

i engaged in political, religious, and race relation conversations. which i usually avoid w/ passion. and to top that, i did so w/ a drunk irish-catholic from southie. it was quite a learning event for the likes of me.
given that i gave him the moniker 'stumbles' on the way home, i'll cut him a lil conservative slack.

not to mention that after swiggin my 5 cape codders that nt in an attempt to keep up w/ stumbles, i had myself a good old vomit in Adams Village the next morning. luckily, it's like Dublin, so no one really noticed my irish-lookin self in beach wear chucking against a truck tire. hott! so hott!

i went to hop on fitzy, my urban workhorse this morning, only to find his rear tire was flat. this was the icing on my tipsy, camera phone cake.

Ice Ice Baby

2006-06-16T11:23:00.000-04:00

ok, so as some of you know i tried out to be Boston Bruins Ice girl on Wednesday. seeing as my skating abilities would not be appreciated when compared to those who can do things like stop intentionally and skate backwards, i opted to interview as a non-skating ice girl.

there were close to 100 ladies, and half of them looked like barbie. i sat there calmly, reading Dostoevsky, awaiting my turn for an interview. 10, even 5 years ago, i wouldn't have had the hootspa or cahones to do this and not be nervous or intimidated. but now, i couldn't care less. it was AWESOME.

i interviewed w/ a panel of 4 ppl- 1 being former bruin, lyndon byers. we connected. although i think they liked me overall, i hopefully (fingahd crossed) won myself a 2nd interview by being the 1st girl interviewed to know who the new GM is!!!!! LB and i exchanged knuckle high-5s. it was tittillating.

after my stellar interview, i took myself in my tracksuit to dunkin donuts. ...where i got into a fight w/ the dd dude when he gave me change for a 20 when i'd actually handed him a 50 (blood $). yeah, he apologized ...and shhok in fear of my wrath.

cheers to being the oldest ice girl candidate ever. hah!

not my g, homey

2006-06-13T13:48:00.000-04:00

so, i've been sculling lately w/ a crew member lately, and it's been stellar! but let me tell you that this morning that we were informed by our coach that we'd actually been rowing private boats that are NOT to be used by the likes of us.

i'm talking about multiple thousands of dollars on these customized brand new boats!!!!

oops. well it was high living for a short time. they were sweet rides!

the immorality of mankind

2006-06-12T14:12:00.000-04:00

so, i've been dealing w/ the guy who laid my floor last summer, b/c my bamboo is cracking and needs replacement. let's remember him as the guy who invested much time into trying to get up my sundress and into my skippies.

well, on saturday, dude's WIFE (w/ child noises in background), called to tell me he's out of the country for a while cuz his mom's terminally ill.

wow. how's yer wife, dude?

scumbag! if you screw me over on the bamboo, wifey and i will have a lil chat.

this is the kind of email i get... need i say more?

2006-06-12T14:09:00.000-04:00

I am very interesting for your university ,I want to study to foreign university, I don’t know how can I get application for your university , such as how can I ready for information, because I am Chinese, so ,the policy of your university with foreign students especially for Chinese, the fare in semester all include,maybe those are my all question,would you give particular all information post to me .the following is my contact information

Permanent address: beiwa team,liangjia village,xigu town,baishi county,shaanxi province ,people’s republic of china
Postcode: 715608
My name: left anonymous

I sincerely waiting for your information as so as possibe

hit me! Freud!

2006-06-08T10:51:00.000-04:00

Had a v v strange dream last nt in which I brought an old friend(the mess in a dress who’s having a baby)’s cat to the movies and it was not well taken care of. So when I dropped it, not cruelly, on it’s paws from only 2 ft off the ground, it managed to lose a tooth…bizarre. It’s teeth were wicked mis-cared for, but she blamed me. And then I was holding this lil bloody fang. Eww..

Next jump to my man friend and me @ his new house but it didn’t look like the real housey. Random ppl are there and they won’t leave b/c their friend used to live there and they think s/he still does. But we finally get em out. Then, my mom shows up w/ a woman and a lil boy in a Halloween costume. She runs to the front door, winks, throws some pumpkin décor on the front door, hands me a huge bowl and candy, and then behind her comes this adorable lil kid. He says, “trick or treat”, again my mom winks, and we give him practically the whole stash of candy. As he turns back to the car, my mom explains in a hushed tone that he was v sad that he missed Halloween so she pretended that he didn’t and that it was Halloween NOW even though it was the middle of summer. It was really v cute, but I kept thinking, ”what happens in October when it’s Halloween again?”

i had corn fawgs for lunch

2006-06-05T14:02:00.000-04:00

this morning i awoke w/ a zealous flair and set off on old fitzy to go sculling w/ a team mate. pretending to race the few cars on the road @ 6:30 this morn, i flew down ass mav (mass ave). just as i approached the peoples' republik, a shite barroom i used to have affection for, i came upon a heineken bottle in my path. i couldn't swerve around it cuz i was tie w/ the garbage truck in our race (I don't think he knew we were racing, but i did). so i had no choice but to have old fitzy tread on broken glass. his shoe deflated instantly and a flapping sound was heard in the rear. he was down, w/ a wounded wheel. (oddly, my teammate had a flat tire too.)

dismayed, and delayed, i walked fitz to the bikeshop and locked him up outside, promising to return as soon as the shop opened @ 10.

i then walkeded the rest of the way to the boathouse only to find that it was bizarrely locked, and the secret davinci pass code did no good.

i brought fitzy to the nicey man @ cambridge bikes who gave him a new tube and tire, cuz that beer really f'd fitz up. the beauty was that dude also fixed my long-irritatng front wheel issues. issues that convinced me i needed a new bike.

so, the good news is that fitzy can remain #1 macho grande bike , and that i don't have to prostitute self for new bike.

moral of the story: what looks like a bad situation can sometimes be a great opportunity.

cock rock

2006-06-02T16:46:00.000-04:00

so one of my bff's went to thailand for his brother's wedding (me 2 poor 2 go) and they went to this gorgeous island, ko samui. and my bff, who is one of the funniest ppl i've ever met took a picture of this penis rock. i love it!

formaldagyno

2006-06-01T12:18:00.000-04:00

on some days, the hallway of this fine institution smells like vagina and formaldehyde mixed together. it makes you wonder who had a yeast infection during bio lab. ewww. this vomititiousness is only lessened by the smell of the actual ladies room. which, mind you can vary from tolerable to gag-ensuing. i'll let you mix n match the flavor options and disgust yourselves.

we all ask the same questions: who doesn't flush? who pees on the seat? who smells THAT bad? but it's obviously SOMEone. maybe it's time for video surveillance in the stalls to keep ppl real. i've nothing to hide but my occasional lack of skippies.

kayak attack

2006-05-31T11:20:00.000-04:00

this w/e i went to a friend's place on the cape, w/ all my rockin peeps. we had nicey fun, lots o' food, water sports (no peeing on ppl, silly, that's grossy), and lawn games.

i had a super time. i managed to flip over in a kayak twice. my friend's brother said no one had ever flipped their kayaks before. i was the first! so proud am i.