Chillin with my head in the toilet

not the same lil rebel i used to be

2006-10-27T09:38:00.000-04:00

i haven't blogged lately b/c the messy, mysterious lassie of yesteryear has grown considerably and is up to new, and much more reputable things. haps not nearly as exciting as falling off barstools- but much more fulfilling. though i do still worry about queefing in gym class while doiung hello dolly's (leg splits on your back) and dropping terds while droppin bombs.

soon i'll have a new blog, completely unrelated to this one- to express myself in new, and mature ways.

i'll email yall to tell you what it is. unless i don't know you. then yer fukked.

i grant forgiveness

2006-10-03T10:08:00.000-04:00

the drain company hath reimbursed me and apologized.

i am relieved and grateful.

now to sort out the floor retardation. when you can't sue the man who installed them b/c he disconnected his tele and the lumber co treats you like you have no clue you can actually sue them, it's hard to get ppl to take you seriously.

i will pee on them.

what to say?

2006-09-25T15:35:00.000-04:00

dear blog:

i'm sorry i avoided you for so long. it isn't that i don't love you or don't want to be friends. it's just that i've been so busy. 2 of my bff were in town from the mother country for their wedding so there was mad partying and socializing, hen parties, before parties, after parties, and a group honeymoon on the cape. so many loved oned from out of town!!!! so much love!!! and i've been trying to be better about school work, and work is so so busy. i am playing my boss as well as me these days you know. and i'm rowing a lot. and i'm head over heels for the dreamiest guy and i like to pretend i live @ his house. except that my cat's probably home making voodoo dolls of me cuz she's mad that she lives alone in the tree house cuz i'm beyond smitten.

but blog, you are nicey and i'll try harder. but you know how it is- life gets in the way.

bitch slap follow up

2006-09-05T16:29:00.000-04:00

bathroom part 2. it ain't ovah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear ___________,

I am writing this letter as an accompaniment to my 9/06 condominium fees payment.

The check is for the fee ($242.50) minus expenses to date ($233.35 ) totaling $9.15. I will keep you abreast of the cabinet/baseboard issue and would be happy to discuss solutions with you.

I have yet to hear back from either of you regarding this matter, but hope to soon. (___, you may still be away.)

Please feel free to call me at ___or ___ (cell) or email me at ___.

Sincerely,

i hate you, drain doc-whore!!!!

2006-09-05T16:17:00.000-04:00

picture me cursing my lil head off in a towel in the hall of my senior citizen dorm. it was UGLY.

Dear ________,

I am writing regarding a very disturbing and hindering occurrence that took place yesterday morning. Yesterday, Monday August 28 2006, I awoke about 8 a.m. to horrid and frightening noises coming from my bathroom. I opened the cabinet doors under my bath sink to see my pipes visibly shaking in tune with these wretched noises. I became immediately concerned and went into the hallway to see if any work was being performed. Workmen were outside a unit (the door next to 408- however, I’m unsure if it’s 409- where a woman named ___ resides) and when I asked if they were working on pipes or knew if anyone in 408 was, they replied negative. I told them why I was concerned and one man said there was probably air in the pipes. Knowing a bit about plumbing myself, I knew that this heinous sounds and movement was definitely not air in my pipes. I returned to my unit to find that black matter had began flowing from the P-trap. My alarm increased and I called ___ who paged ___, the maintenance man, for me. He called back very quickly and I explained the situation. He informed me that unit 301 was having drain clog issues and that the Drain doc-whore was working there. The noise and black matter were increasing so I raced down to 301 and knocked and rang the buzzer for several minutes. Receiving no reply, I called ___ back. He said he was at another site but would call Drain doc-whore, inform them of the issue, and head over in about an hour. I was far from content, especially given that I have just remodeled my entire bathroom, which cost upwards of $10,000. In tears, and feeling helpless, I figured I’d take a quick shower before ___ got there (b/c I had guests and wanted to go about our plans for their last day in town, if possible). While in the shower, I heard a wretched sound and looked out of the shower to find water gushing from the U-shaped pipe under my sink. The Drain doc-whore had broken right through and pierced the pipe!!! I called ___ in a panic, who informed me that the Drain doc-whore was actually in 408, not 301. I ran, in my towel, to 408 to tell them to stop immediately, to come look at what they had done to my bathroom, and to have someone take responsibility. I was very distraught, and not in the friendliest mood given the horrible circumstances. ___ showed up quickly when I told him a pipe had been pierced (I accidentally scared him b/c he thought I was referring to a main pipe). No one seemed to think this was a big deal. The fact that my bathroom was flooded and covered in black drudge, that my kitchen floor was flooded, that the bath mat, towels, items under my sink, etc were ruined- no one was very concerned. ___ was kind and helpful in leading the employees of Drain doc-whore in vacuuming up the water that hadn’t been soaked up by the 9 towels I used to stop it from flowing into my main room. ___ assured me that Drain doc-whore would clean up the mess and that the Condo Association would replace my damaged items.

The Drain doc-whore did a mediocre job of wiping up the water and sludge. After they left, I found more water under my cabinet- which is very hard to reach. While the liquid was mopped up, the floors were not cleaned. Strange germs from a neighbor’s sink remain on my bath and kitchen floors. My newly installed stone bath floor has black crud on it still that has dried in the cement in between the stones. My baseboard has stain marks. My bath sink cabinet has pieces dug out of the shelf from where Drain doc-whore used the tool to access 408’s sink (they did this to clear his sink after they’d realized they had ruined mine). There is another gauge in the cabinet from this as well. Additionally, some of my outlets now don’t work-even though I tripped the breaker.

So, while ___ was kind enough to assure me that the Association would replace my towels, bath mat, etc, I am concerned about the larger issues. I need a cleaning service to clean my bath and kitchen floors, my floor board painted or replaced, my bath cabinet replaced, and my breaker repaired. I also need to know that if anything goes wrong with my bath floor in the future regarding the moisture that was not removed from under the cabinet (I fear damage to 301’s ceiling) that I will not be liable for it.

___ kindly had ___, the plumber, come to my unit this morning to replace the pierced pipe. However, this is just the beginning of the repairs.

I spoke w/ Mr. ___ last night, to introduce myself less alarmingly. He was very kind and apologetic and said to send bills to the Drain doc-whore and to inform him if I had any problems. Please let me know if you wish for me to forward to letter to the Drain Doctor and Mr. ___ as well as yourselves.

Below please find a list of damaged items from this occurrence. I do not have receipts for any of the items but can obtain one for the cabinet. I’d be happy to price cleaners as well, unless you have one you prefer to use.

(lengthy list removed)

Please let me know the best way to go about resolving this. I prefer to have my floors cleaned ASAP as it is unnerving to have the leftovers of such an event in my home.

Please feel free to call me at __ or ___ or email me at ___.

Many thanks for your help and my apologies for the long, but necessary, letter.

Sincerely,

a closely cropped crap

2006-08-23T16:45:00.000-04:00

Let me begin this story by saying i wasn't at my house. i was @ my b'd house. oops.

I took a poo this morning, and while it wasn't large, it was mighty (i ate icre cream last nt- nuf said?). I flushed but things started coming up instead of going down. I panicked. I raced on my bike to brooks- praying my bf would NOT come home b/c he forgot something, etc (he had just left for class).

i returned triumphant- w/ a plunger. sweaty, nervous and ready to plunge- but it had all gone down. Gone!!! Did tabby fix it?

I was in a panic that I'd crapped all over his man town on my last day there!!!!

wipe it, wipe it good.

2006-08-18T09:26:00.000-04:00

ok, so i find blogging a lil trite lately- cuz i have nothing dramatic to say.
but then there's this.

the locker room in my boathouse has these individually packaged girly wipes for your bits and i took one to try cuz i thouhgt it was novel. around the same time i got my skirt caught in my bike bits and needed to buy shout wipes for the grease stain.

so, i'm in the loo and there's no tp, so i decide to reach into my bookbag and try the girly wipe. i use it, feel refreshed and move on w/ my day.

later on i'm looking through my bag for something and happen upon said packaged girly wipe. but no shout wipe....

need i say more? i Shout-ed my vagine. ewwww... stain lifter.

ewww w/ a capital EWWWW

2006-08-07T11:58:00.000-04:00

THE WOMEN'S RESTROOM @ THIS FINE INSTITUTION HAS HIT AN ALL TOME LOW W/ FRECAL MATTER RESTING ATOP AS NEST OF TOILET PAPER IN A TOILET BOWL.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWW

PPL ARE SO FECKIN GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sweat, hair and food

2006-07-31T13:57:00.000-04:00

so i was afraid of falafel sweat, but today there was a hair in my burrito- from anna's taqueria.

where is the germ-free bubble i wish to live in?

have you missed me?

2006-07-17T14:35:00.000-04:00

i've been in a silent lull of summer.

last Saturday a good lassie of mine and i went for a bike ride, beginning in dorchester and heading west to explore the great unknown (lexington, concord, you get the idea).

it was 90-something degrees and it's safe to say we were sweaty, smelly, and dirty. but having a blast!!

we never happened upon walden pond and were heading home, longing for a swim or a dip in some body of wetness, when we saw a pool in lexington. a "public" pool for the very private population of the snooty, wealthy town. although it was clear by our lack of SUVs that we were not from L'ton, we sauntered up to the pool boy collecting $5 from each resident, posited ourselves as residents and got in. we had to fill out a form w/ our names/tele/address. luckily my partner in crime had a list of streets from our directions.

in no time, our smelly lil selves were tainting the clean wealthy waters. hahah...

as we learned, it's like the MDC pools in the city, w/o the black people and band-aids floating in the pool.

ahh, lexington. thanks for the swim.

{please note that this is as rebellious and deviant as i've been lately. i'm getting old}

me so smart

2006-07-06T11:22:00.000-04:00

a girl can't really blame a kitty for soaking her cell phone, when said girl proceeded to toss her new cell into a puddle while bonding w/ the harbor seals at the aquarium.

it was rather freakish. it was night time and i was standing plumb against the wikkid tall wall o' glass w/ harbor seals swimming for me and then making upside down graceful turns when they approached the glass. i was getting face to face w/ them as they performed these intriguing moves, but when i bent over to meet a low flying seal w/ my eyes, my tele plopped out of my fake spade purse and scared the ppl nearby watching the seals. we thought the seal thumped the glass and broke it. but no, it was just my tele that started going abso-fukkin-lutely bizerker.

i need a waterproof tele.

ATM: a telling moment

2006-06-30T11:39:00.000-04:00

so, i go to the ATM and insert my card, enter correct pin, and request a whopping $20. the machine tells me it can't process my request. i repeat the process @ the ATM beside it. same error msg.

i go into the bank office and up to the teller to explain to him that there isn't any $ in the ATMs, b/c it won't give me a $20.

he explains that i'm using my credit card, instead of my ATM card, and that is the problem.

so, the ATMs weren't dry. i'm just fried.

embarrasing. but true.

new and noteworthy

2006-06-28T11:33:00.000-04:00

i'm talking C-notes, biatch!

when you have the whole w/e off and all you wanna do it go to the beach, biatch, but it's pouring, gray, and frigid, ya gotta buy shit, mate, to make yerself happyscrappyheropup.

saturday morning, the mouth of the south and i embarked on an adventure to bloomingdale's. we got ther eso early, we opened the joint, yo. we played dress up-in charlie's angels pant suits and denim bra vests, and mocked the wealthy for their ability to buy shite for exorbitant prices.

a day @ the beach woulda cost parking and a slurpee. a day of crap weather, in fairness (that's for you, D), cost sushi lunch, an aqua skirt (love aqua!!!! the brand not the color), new sandals, and a mani/pedi. see how mother nature discriminates against the poor? making them poorer, is she a republican?

groping for ass

2006-06-23T08:49:00.000-04:00

so many random thoughts in my wee head. here goes, fukker.

for the record, i was denied ice girl privileges. the boston boo-ins can sukk my ass!!!!! f you, ice queens.

ok, i'm over it.

so, i saw 2 men w/ leaf blowers screaming @ each other and battling w/ their blowers like they were light sabers in the frontal area of ann taylor in the square yesterday @ 5 in the morning.

the weather is crap, so even though i took the w/e off from the brothel, i can't beach properly. whores!!!

did i ever tell you that i accidentally answered the brothel tele, "good morning, pottery barn" once? i'm a stellar employee!!!

i woke up this morn and it smelled like waffles. mixed w/ the lack of sun, i feard for a second that is was autumn. it smelled and looked like early autumn. i became panicly depressed, remembered it was really the beginning of summer, and drove the evil tummy turning thoughts from my head w/ a mental picture of the beach. i recovered but it was a close one.

there's a mansion down the st from my condo whose alarm went off the other day. it hollers to stay away from the house in multiple languages. in case the thieves speak french?

i love dane cook!

chat mechant

2006-06-19T11:59:00.004-04:00

um, yeah, bad kitty, i say!

Ok, so this w/e Tabby managed to knock my cell phone off the headboard of me bed into the depths of a pint glass filled w/ water. i can't prove it b/c i wasn't able to dust for pawprints- given the water and all.

I celly sunk instead of performing the deadman’s float.

Long story short, I lost ALL my #’s and am now the impoverished owner of a $200 camera tele.

bringing ireland to the people

2006-06-19T11:59:00.000-04:00

this w/e was a medley of bizarre oddities and odd bizarrities.

i engaged in political, religious, and race relation conversations. which i usually avoid w/ passion. and to top that, i did so w/ a drunk irish-catholic from southie. it was quite a learning event for the likes of me.
given that i gave him the moniker 'stumbles' on the way home, i'll cut him a lil conservative slack.

not to mention that after swiggin my 5 cape codders that nt in an attempt to keep up w/ stumbles, i had myself a good old vomit in Adams Village the next morning. luckily, it's like Dublin, so no one really noticed my irish-lookin self in beach wear chucking against a truck tire. hott! so hott!

i went to hop on fitzy, my urban workhorse this morning, only to find his rear tire was flat. this was the icing on my tipsy, camera phone cake.

Ice Ice Baby

2006-06-16T11:23:00.000-04:00

ok, so as some of you know i tried out to be Boston Bruins Ice girl on Wednesday. seeing as my skating abilities would not be appreciated when compared to those who can do things like stop intentionally and skate backwards, i opted to interview as a non-skating ice girl.

there were close to 100 ladies, and half of them looked like barbie. i sat there calmly, reading Dostoevsky, awaiting my turn for an interview. 10, even 5 years ago, i wouldn't have had the hootspa or cahones to do this and not be nervous or intimidated. but now, i couldn't care less. it was AWESOME.

i interviewed w/ a panel of 4 ppl- 1 being former bruin, lyndon byers. we connected. although i think they liked me overall, i hopefully (fingahd crossed) won myself a 2nd interview by being the 1st girl interviewed to know who the new GM is!!!!! LB and i exchanged knuckle high-5s. it was tittillating.

after my stellar interview, i took myself in my tracksuit to dunkin donuts. ...where i got into a fight w/ the dd dude when he gave me change for a 20 when i'd actually handed him a 50 (blood $). yeah, he apologized ...and shhok in fear of my wrath.

cheers to being the oldest ice girl candidate ever. hah!

not my g, homey

2006-06-13T13:48:00.000-04:00

so, i've been sculling lately w/ a crew member lately, and it's been stellar! but let me tell you that this morning that we were informed by our coach that we'd actually been rowing private boats that are NOT to be used by the likes of us.

i'm talking about multiple thousands of dollars on these customized brand new boats!!!!

oops. well it was high living for a short time. they were sweet rides!

the immorality of mankind

2006-06-12T14:12:00.000-04:00

so, i've been dealing w/ the guy who laid my floor last summer, b/c my bamboo is cracking and needs replacement. let's remember him as the guy who invested much time into trying to get up my sundress and into my skippies.

well, on saturday, dude's WIFE (w/ child noises in background), called to tell me he's out of the country for a while cuz his mom's terminally ill.

wow. how's yer wife, dude?

scumbag! if you screw me over on the bamboo, wifey and i will have a lil chat.

this is the kind of email i get... need i say more?

2006-06-12T14:09:00.000-04:00

I am very interesting for your university ,I want to study to foreign university, I don’t know how can I get application for your university , such as how can I ready for information, because I am Chinese, so ,the policy of your university with foreign students especially for Chinese, the fare in semester all include,maybe those are my all question,would you give particular all information post to me .the following is my contact information

Permanent address: beiwa team,liangjia village,xigu town,baishi county,shaanxi province ,people’s republic of china
Postcode: 715608
My name: left anonymous

I sincerely waiting for your information as so as possibe

hit me! Freud!

2006-06-08T10:51:00.000-04:00

Had a v v strange dream last nt in which I brought an old friend(the mess in a dress who’s having a baby)’s cat to the movies and it was not well taken care of. So when I dropped it, not cruelly, on it’s paws from only 2 ft off the ground, it managed to lose a tooth…bizarre. It’s teeth were wicked mis-cared for, but she blamed me. And then I was holding this lil bloody fang. Eww..

Next jump to my man friend and me @ his new house but it didn’t look like the real housey. Random ppl are there and they won’t leave b/c their friend used to live there and they think s/he still does. But we finally get em out. Then, my mom shows up w/ a woman and a lil boy in a Halloween costume. She runs to the front door, winks, throws some pumpkin décor on the front door, hands me a huge bowl and candy, and then behind her comes this adorable lil kid. He says, “trick or treat”, again my mom winks, and we give him practically the whole stash of candy. As he turns back to the car, my mom explains in a hushed tone that he was v sad that he missed Halloween so she pretended that he didn’t and that it was Halloween NOW even though it was the middle of summer. It was really v cute, but I kept thinking, ”what happens in October when it’s Halloween again?”

i had corn fawgs for lunch

2006-06-05T14:02:00.000-04:00

this morning i awoke w/ a zealous flair and set off on old fitzy to go sculling w/ a team mate. pretending to race the few cars on the road @ 6:30 this morn, i flew down ass mav (mass ave). just as i approached the peoples' republik, a shite barroom i used to have affection for, i came upon a heineken bottle in my path. i couldn't swerve around it cuz i was tie w/ the garbage truck in our race (I don't think he knew we were racing, but i did). so i had no choice but to have old fitzy tread on broken glass. his shoe deflated instantly and a flapping sound was heard in the rear. he was down, w/ a wounded wheel. (oddly, my teammate had a flat tire too.)

dismayed, and delayed, i walked fitz to the bikeshop and locked him up outside, promising to return as soon as the shop opened @ 10.

i then walkeded the rest of the way to the boathouse only to find that it was bizarrely locked, and the secret davinci pass code did no good.

i brought fitzy to the nicey man @ cambridge bikes who gave him a new tube and tire, cuz that beer really f'd fitz up. the beauty was that dude also fixed my long-irritatng front wheel issues. issues that convinced me i needed a new bike.

so, the good news is that fitzy can remain #1 macho grande bike , and that i don't have to prostitute self for new bike.

moral of the story: what looks like a bad situation can sometimes be a great opportunity.

cock rock

2006-06-02T16:46:00.000-04:00

so one of my bff's went to thailand for his brother's wedding (me 2 poor 2 go) and they went to this gorgeous island, ko samui. and my bff, who is one of the funniest ppl i've ever met took a picture of this penis rock. i love it!

formaldagyno

2006-06-01T12:18:00.000-04:00

on some days, the hallway of this fine institution smells like vagina and formaldehyde mixed together. it makes you wonder who had a yeast infection during bio lab. ewww. this vomititiousness is only lessened by the smell of the actual ladies room. which, mind you can vary from tolerable to gag-ensuing. i'll let you mix n match the flavor options and disgust yourselves.

we all ask the same questions: who doesn't flush? who pees on the seat? who smells THAT bad? but it's obviously SOMEone. maybe it's time for video surveillance in the stalls to keep ppl real. i've nothing to hide but my occasional lack of skippies.

kayak attack

2006-05-31T11:20:00.000-04:00

this w/e i went to a friend's place on the cape, w/ all my rockin peeps. we had nicey fun, lots o' food, water sports (no peeing on ppl, silly, that's grossy), and lawn games.

i had a super time. i managed to flip over in a kayak twice. my friend's brother said no one had ever flipped their kayaks before. i was the first! so proud am i.

magnum p.i.

2006-05-26T10:41:00.000-04:00

ok, so last nt i get a vm from a private investigator and i return his call interested in what desperate housewives quagmire i'm associated with.

turns out, dude is looking for db, my ex. says he has disappeared w/ his new van a few mths ago and they need to retrieve it. v interesting. v v sketchy.

they have me listed as his ex-wife. wrong. how did they get my cell? what's weirder: they don't know anything about his fam (his dad works for the co that sold him the truck, and i think his dad co-signed the loan). they ask me for info on his fam. i refuse to get those nicey ppl involved.

dude asks me what db does for work? wouldn't they know that by his car loan application?
sketch!

i tell the dude the truth- that i haven't been in touch w/ db since last sept. then i tell him that i won't give him any info , and that he doesn't seem like a v good p.i. if he doesn't know the basic loan application info. dude won't tell me how he got my info. sketch!

then i call db's bf and tell him to warn db.

will he ever stop haunting me?
sketch!

nicey icey

2006-05-24T14:02:00.000-04:00

well kids, it's true. i'm going out to be an ice girl. even though i was told by a lady friend of mine last nt that i was on the old side, and not on the busty side. i'm still doing it. you'll hear more from me in three weeks, bitches. can glenn murray say no to this icey biatch?

on a different note...i was out rowing today and we warm up in pairs- so while stern pair (i'm 7 seat) sits still, w/ knees bent, 6 seat comes pretty close to hitting me in the back when he's up @ the catch (it was a mixed boat- guys are taller in this game, so their reach is longer). anyway, i started freakin out internally over the irrational fear that i would get a surprise tap on the spine.

which...quickly made me recall this is so b/c my stepfather used to come up from behind me and touch my back and i HATED it. back in the day when he was a certified boozer, he was really quite creepy.

then...this thought made me remember more thoughts i'd rather forget and i subsequently questioned if therapy would be good for me. maybe i wouldn't twitch anymore @ the thought of a surprise touch on the back during rowing, of all non-dirty things.

but, really, why have someone else psycho analyze me when i've already analyzed my psycho self.

too much information (tmi). i know. sorry, kids.

shabbos, carpet baggin and a few good mickeys

2006-05-23T10:22:00.000-04:00

so, friday night i attended my 1st ever shabbos/shabbat. i learned about something that was like the torah, but called pathos?, frozen manishevitz wine (yum), hebrew songs, and damn yummy food. i had a blast @ shabbos and look forward to another jew friday soon. yay jews! a shablog has been started to honor the event.

saturday my favorite mickey ever came into town from the mother country. i spent a night drinking w/ him and his boss. it went something like this, "one more for the road, one more for the road, one more for the road, ...you're not leaving NOW", so i dutifully stayed.

random thoughts:
i just realized last nt that i have been selling 4x6 rugs @ the brothel, but actually giving away three rugs @ a time (they are bundled in threes). i was indeed wondering how a 4x6 came to be so bulky when rolled up. oops. no one has returned their "extra" rugs. i guess the inventory/profit margins will be v v off this season. oopsy.

and, i just went into my chaotic bottom file drawer and began to eat a kudos bar w/ mnm's. it wasn't til i was fully nibbling away that i realized someone else had already begun nibbling my kudos. upon deeper invesitgation, and complete fear and repulsion, i found that our resident mice had eaten through my condiment packets, kudos, etc, and pooed and peeed on all my stuff. i hope the sharing of the kudos didn't just give me some poisoning. like bob dylan in chicken shit...i long not to be the lassie who got sick sharing her snacks w/ rodents. gross.

Warning:
OCD levels will now rise.

old n burnt

2006-05-19T14:25:00.000-04:00

ok, so last nt there was a condo meeting @ my housey. where these seniors and feeble minds spent 40 minutes asking the same 3 questions in five different ways. i was so fed up w/ their inability to comprehend basic english, that i up and left. i wasn't the 1st to go. an older, eccentric lady, covered in tattoos experience agita even before i did. oy. can't wait to read the minutes from this meeting. bejeezus.

so, google (whom i love dearly and want to work for) has this photo organizing/editing software called picasa and it finds all the pics everywhere on your computer in 20 seconds. well, i found a few i'd like to share (only i'm cutting my face outta these puppies. one is me w/ sunburn in thailand. it looks like a reverse bikini. i had to get on a plane the next day back to the states w/ that burnt flesh. ewww....

anyway, tonight i'm going to shabbat/shabbos. peace be w/ me. i'm excited for slushy wine.

just one of the (teenage) boys

2006-05-18T10:40:00.000-04:00

last nt a lovely lassie of mine took me to the theatre. it was a shakespearean number, love's labour lost, turn into a demi-musical. twas quite nicey, save the part where i took a nap during act I cuz i was sooo sleepy.

theatre doth make a lassie heavy in the head.

this morning, 2 women on my crew did not show (bad biddies, bad), leaving us 2 shy for rowing an eight. however, one of my favorite rowers and myself (together we are 'stroke pair', doesn't that sound dirty? it's only cuz we're in the front of the boat and everyone follows our stroke)rowed w/ a local high school boy's crew. it was hilarious; they were adorable. they grunt for fun. they roll too aggressively up the slide. they have no grace. it was my dream of being one of the boys come true. only we're much better rowers than they are so i think they were a tad humbled. but awesome, nonetheless.

the highschool girls crew were a lil peeved by our presence though. don't worry, honey, i won't steal your man, um boy.

goose egg

2006-05-17T16:21:00.000-04:00

ok, so today my craigslist posting to sublet my condo for quick cash expired, and i resubmitted it. then....a flurry of emails. i was doing the money dance in my office. well, i thought it was a bit weird that there were so many responses, and lots from younger ppl, and that no one asked for a break on the exorbitant rent.

well, i just realized that i left a "0" off of the monthly fee. oops. but who thinks that i'd charge ya $250 for a w/e, $600 for a week, but a bargain $210 for a month!!!!!?????

does that make sense?

back to square one. prostitution.
um, kidding.

a pain in me arse

2006-05-17T10:42:00.000-04:00

briefly, my loves, b/c i'm off to my last tennis class.

so yesterday @ lunch i took a cardio/sculpt class. the instructor was a towny who would've fit in perfectly @ gold's gym in revere. i'm not knockin her- it's just a fact. but she was one bad ass bitch. and she whooped me good. my arse is killin me. i'm eating pringles for breakfast to make me buns feel better.

after crew this morning, i went to the hotel to fetch the abandoned coat from sat nt. i spent half the aft/eve on the tele yesterday w/ the hotel 'detective', solving this mystery. gosh they must get bored @ work. but those lil sleuths found it. god love em. i even told em to forget it but they wouldn't let it go. you'd a thunk i had me an hermes coat misplaced. good to know they're equal opportunity nancy drews though. and not once did anyone say, "you fool! you got loaded and left it here ya lil ho!".

boobs and a golden shower

2006-05-16T10:03:00.000-04:00

okay, so today i'm putzin round my apartment before work, picking up the clothes and miscellany i've strewn about and i find the directions to my space boobs. well, it seems that the lil hooks that i couldn't figure out the purpose of are so you can hook the space sticky boobs together for cleavage. damnit! i coulda been busty if i'd only read the directions. oi. oi.

well, the hotel can't find my jacket. good thing i didn't leave my purse w/ coat check too. i tried, but they said, "i'm sorry, we can't take personal belongings". is my jacket impersonal? i'm confused. but twas a mighty good ting after all, ya wee mickey.

so, last nt, @ the brothel i recalled my 1st day of p/t slave retail labor. i was using the loo w/ my apron on. and my apron tie went into the bowl and mingled w/ my urine. i was totally repulsed. so, i removed my apron (and my name tag from said apron) and tossed it in a corner and quickly grabbed a new one. i hope no one ever wore that pee-stained apron, cuz that's just gross. in retrospect, i shoulda thrown it away.

eww, pee.

filtered religion, menthol favored

2006-05-15T10:11:00.000-04:00

ladies and yentlemen,

a little distraction from this wretched weather that's bound to give me root rot. tis nasty. if scotland and seattle gave birth to a love child, it would be this repugnant 8-day stretch of rain, cold and gloom...which is now expected to continue through thursday. jeezus. on wednesday, they say, we may have a drizzle or a thunderstorm. gee, thanks for clarifying. and i may have cereal, or egg n cheese on a bagel, for breakfast. momos they be, indeed.

anyway, so that distraction i promised-

on saturday i went to church for the 1st time in yrs. it was pretty, and interesting, and comforting, i must say. although i felt a lil rusty in the prayer/hymn area, so i stuck to amen, the peace-be-w/you- hand shake, and communion. but i couldn't swallow my slippery gum so i had to stick it under my tongue to keep it from mingling w/ the holy wafer- a.k.a the body of christ. menthol communion, like a newport cigarette.

later that evening, i had the distinct pleasure of being a pretty pretty princess for the fireman's ball. i had a rockin time. i even lasted til half 3. though i can't recall what i looked like @ that late stage of the game. but given that i avoided my usual sleep on the sofa party trick, i was mighty glad i held my head up for so long. the pre-prom nap helped fo sho!!!

i met nicey ppl and had nicey whiskey, and grouped peed w/ my newest female acquaintance. it was grand!!! i must call the hotel coat check today to see if/when i can fetch the coat i left there. alas... the next morning i had to drag my head thumpin, tummy turnin, back achin self to the brothel to perform slave labor for 8 hrs!!! i spent the 1st 6 hrs thinking i might die, but bounced back just in time to go home and drink smoothies w/ tabby.

i only have 1 bruise from sat nt. that's a bargain. and my houdini suspended boob pads are still sticky (=good), so i really haven't any complaints. i didn't even threaten to punch anyone.
damn, i'm good.

i just chipped a nail. oi.

mwah,
me

cookie puss

2006-05-11T19:33:00.000-04:00

after i row row rowed my boat merrily up the charles this morning, i proceeded to consume massive amounts of shite. there i stood in shaww- no one was around- and i began to taste test the cookies in the bakery section. 12 cookies later i found myself eating donuts. glazed. mmm mmm good.

it wasn't til my 2nd dose of cookies that i got ill and realized i needed to quit cookies. at least for the day. i had to nap @ lunch to work out the kinks in my tummy. ewww...

so much to tell

2006-05-10T10:26:00.001-04:00

gosh, where do i start?

last wed, i was paid $75 to drink gross beers that may become part of blue moon. i hope they're better once perfected.

the ppl who were gonna rent my condo bailed. there goes 2 g's this summer. oi.

went to ny w/ 2 swingin bitches. we had a nicey time mocking art @ the MOMA, rockin to bulgarian tunes, chillin on the staten island ferry, and eating experimental mexican-italian cuisine (i say never again to this fusion food).

i worked on 10th grade hw w/ my lil bro on sunday nt, which was actually interesting. chemistry whoops my arse.

i partook in some strange suburban commuter ritual on monday morning- heading from larchmont to grand central. ppl line up where they think the train doors will open and frown @ you if you don't. i played along. it was weird.

i had so much to tantalize yall w/, but i have a headache and an busy so you'll have to wait for new adventures to arise.

p.s. had a dream about db's ex. she was v nicey, and i warned her, and almost got me head knocked off by the man himself. is this sposed to mean i should keep this ole trapper shut?

lost, found, and fukkin around

2006-05-03T12:15:00.000-04:00

well, i misplaced my sentiment-laden ring, 2 prs of ankle sox, and a thong today. i also lost an earring. who made me so prone to ridiculousness?

i am also capable of being a bad luck charm. want your car towed? want to get stuck in bostons biggest traffic jam in a decade? want to drop a case of beer? want to have the restaurant forget to pack the sashimi in your take out bag?
...hang out w/ me.

after a brilliant man had a brilliant idea about renting out my condo, i am going to live elsewhere for bits o' the summer and make a few g. i'm so excited about paying off my special assessment, i could actually wet myself. oops. kidding, no leakage hath occurred.

if this rain doesn't stop, i might scream. i'm tired of being wet and moldy w/ bad hair.

love,
flat chested helmet head sans an earring and a thong. oi.

the potato famine

2006-05-01T10:58:00.000-04:00

i awoke yesterday with a longing in my heart that ached- a longing to go shopping and buy things i can't justify and indulge and be a princess. so i did. i am a bad, poor person, but @ least i'll be all gussied up eatin' dem raman noodles. yum yum gimmee some.

but, exhaustive shopping and a new pair of jeans wasn't all there was to be had.

my first pitstop was the penis-side gonorrhea (wow, i had to look up the spelling of gonorrhea). as i swung off my bike, unstrapped my helmet and walked determinedly into the mall, the sell-phone guy approached me and accentedly told me to buy his company's tele or something. i brushed past him and flatly said, "no thanks", meanwhile excitedly thinking of what might lie 3 stories above me in j. crew. he then managed to enunciate better so i might actually understand his english w/ this retort: " i like what you've done w/ your hair". WOW!!! now i am almost never dressed to impress, esp when out riding on a sunday, but this dude just sucker punched me in my ego. i didn't have a witty comeback about his booming caeer ready, so i had to keep walking. but really, Ouch!!!

so, i am in victoria's secret a bit later and i'm harmlessly shuffling through the cotton thongs (let it breathe, ladies, please). to go w/ my stellar hair, i should mention that i'm in a tank (no padded bra today, girls), capris and sneakers. 2 VS employees are about 7-8 feet away from me. one points @ me and says to the other (starting in a normal tone w/ the last 3 words in a poor excuse for a whisper) , "that's what i used to look like before...i had implants". WOW!!! i mean, seriously? i'm right here you lil shit brick! you might have implants but i can kick your ass to your plastic surgeon and back w/ one hand tied behind me. now, we all know i'm on the itty bitty titty committee, but who the hell says that? wow...

so, i proceeded to buy myself nicey things, including the adidas track top i snagged from a lady @ marshall's, to make up for being flat-chested w/ disheveled helmet hair. i then ate french fries AND a large bag of kettle chips and it felt good.

dreamcreep

2006-04-30T07:16:00.000-04:00

so, after a stellar bike ride w/ 3 sassy lassies, i indulged in fine wines and fabulous foods, fell asleep post-prandial (as i'm prone to do, partypants that i am) and proceeded to dream some of the weirdest scenarios i've schemed in some time.

i'm dreamt that all of my friends were hugs fans of the 98.5 light fm and listened to nothing else. i found this disturbing b/c they're pretty hip cats, and we ain't THAT old.

i also dreamt that i had a gross growth on my neck that would grow tubular-ly, break off, grow again. i was like a potato w/ a spud. i was completelt fukkin skeeved!!!! but no one else thought it was all that weird. this made me feel ikky inside.

on a different note: did anyone else feel like last friday (the 29th) felt like friday the 13th? everything was totally fekked. moreso than 99% of the time. bizarro.

i have NO committments today. i love it!!!! happy spring fukkers!!

if i'd gone to yuppie school...

2006-04-27T09:12:00.000-04:00

i think i'm finally (temporarily) over granola/yogurt/berries for breakfasy. this phenomenon began in Medina Sidonia (Andalucia), Spain on my dreamy holiday last july. i miss you, Spain!!!

crew and the comradery has given me a sense of college that i never had. the team work, ass-slapping and group showers in one big tiled room make me feel part of a larger entity. i love it!! while we may have had the saliva trail (many make outs) @ hampshire, we rarely showered together. and lord knows we never ever partook in sports. that might scare the sheep!

it's like i get to re-do parts of college. i get to row on a team, take PE classes, and have a r=team jacket. damn, i love this. what would've happened if i'd gone to swarthmore and played lacrosse? doodoodoodoodoodoodoodoo (that's my flashback music when the picture on the tv gets wavey and suddenly we're in white baseball caps in saratoga springs and it's 1994).

i woul've been that girl..frat girl. ew.

the buck stops here

2006-04-26T12:57:00.000-04:00

just where should i be stopped? i've recently started shopping again. i was in remission for months, 7 long mths. then slowly, the itch developed. blender/food processor, cowboy boots, what next?

i dream of, and stalk, bikinis, dresses, tennis skirts, and pointy shoes (now you know the delirium has set in). i ogle the furnishings @ the brothel wondering if they should be mine. i actively "pop" into stores in hopes of a deal.

i am sickboy, but a girl.

i have also taken advantage of my "sources" to learn sad things about bad ppl. if you don't know my sources, don't ask, you'll nyet look @ me the same again. i am a spy, a sleuthe, a ninja. i have my ways. but where does this bucking buckaroo call it quits? i need to keep it in check, but i'll tell you that a certain evil someone id getting evicted, and torturing young, dumb girls along the way. weird. unnerving. glad i'm not the girl.

and to take the edge off, a picture of Huxley.

i skool ya

2006-04-24T15:46:00.000-04:00

things i learned today

#1 reason for being fit:
so the basketball coach who subs for your tennis coach pays you extra attention

#2 reason for being fit:
so you can take basketball lessons in the fall.

#1 reason for making your husband wear a wedding band:
so the hussy in his tennis class doesn't ask him out

#1 reason for working in academia:
the PE classes

blud presha

2006-04-21T16:08:00.000-04:00

so apparently i have high blood pressure. isn't that retarded? my dr said it was unusual b/c i'm fit and i'm pretty fekkin active. go figure. my mom did some sleithing and realized i ingest about 4x the recommended daily allowance of sodium per day. oi. that'll do sumpin to ya.

i also got my faux menses again. is this b/c i brag about not having it?

so, today's theme is blood. i was going to sell some, but that might have to wait til next week. M, you in?

Huxley

2006-04-20T11:21:00.000-04:00

i love this lil guy!

yesterday, after eating my donated celery hearts, he snuck into my office through my modestly-opened window. he took me by surprise but i managed to reason w/ him and he eventually left.

i think he's the fleas' knees!

Monopause

2006-04-18T14:42:00.000-04:00

for those of you who haven't heard enough of my new diseasel: it's monopause- mono (mononucleosis) meets menopause. so yer constantly tired and drained, sleep alot and you also have hot/cold flashes and a lack of menstrual cycle. unfortunately, today my monopause also has allergies- so i'm quite confused.

fear not boys, men can have monopause too. you're 1/4 ways there just by not havin the menses. rockin! i'm all clinical an sheeet.

let me tell you that i feel asleep by 8:30 both fri and sat nt. that's monopause.

i know, yer thinking of a monoped that stops briefly before taking the next hop. this is also monopause, but different.

i'm doggysitting tonight. hopefully doggy won't aggravate my momopause's allergies further. i'm actually skippin out class early to doggy sit. where are my priorities, young lady?

condo(m) world

2006-04-14T11:54:00.000-04:00

i kid you not when i quote the minutes from the condo meetings:

"A request was made to allow the ivy in the atrium planters to grow longer"

wow. well done guys. you're decision makers.

my ass hurts from rowing. ahh but the pain is sweet.

overheard in the halls of nerdville

2006-04-12T10:15:00.000-04:00

"i'm more of a dynamics girl than a fluids girl"

we twist our own fate

2006-04-12T10:00:00.000-04:00

so, i perpetually leave my rings @ the boathouse (hurts the blisters if you row w/ em on).

and if a boy (or friend) of unestablished or rocky significance had given me these rings, i'd think it was either a sign, or a subconscious act. it would make me re-examine the relationship @ some level.

but, no. i bought these rings. they have no attachment to a person other than me ma (i got her the same rings - each ring @ a different time). and i certainly have nyet problem w/ moi mama.

so, i propose we, @ least me, are a bit cookoo about signs and fate and reading coffee grinds (turkish coffee @ least- my stepfather does that).

speaking of coffee, last time i was in ny, my grounds said that i had some big love coming my way. and that well meaning ppl were up in my bidniz. get out my bidniz, biatch (kidding).

however, when my mom asked to have her grounds read (before i'd even drank my coffee) my stepfather said he was too tired (to read grounds? confounding, really). and then proceeded to read mine.

the time before when he read grounds, he said someone @ work was "on" my mom's face. i think the language barrier got him there. i thought it was a creepy but hilarious visual.

research finds males to be shite emailers

2006-04-11T11:37:00.000-04:00

Surveys show that males are really fekkin bad @ replying to email. don't you know we ladies need correspondence? especially us desk bound bitches? really, boys. type us out a line or two. mates, buddies, brothers alike- unfulfilling emailers. you're breaking my heart here. (for the results and raw data regarding this study, please check my in and out boxes and then do the fekkin math yerself)

i've been questioning the point of human contact lately. this may not be good. i find my netflix and kitty v fulfilling, however. don't worry. i still like a few of you. :P

nina simone sings to me. she sings for me, really. i love her.

the new beer

2006-04-10T10:15:00.000-04:00

sleep is the new beer.
my bed is the new bar.
i don't mean it like that, ewww.
i mean, god i love sleep! and i want to do it all the time. and i want to be in my bed all the time.
snore snore snooz.
i love you 12 hrs nts of sleep.
i love you naptime.
i care for nothing but you right now.

so, like pink is the new black-
sleep is the new beer.

hey, is it ok to buy myself cowboy boots if they're on sale even though i'm po? what if i don't dine out anymore? hell, i'd give up public libations for a few weeks for these boots.

whatcha thinkin', lincoln?

my brain soaks idly in a glass of gin

2006-04-07T13:32:00.000-04:00

i was so proud of myself-tossing back drink after drink like a pro...til my alarm went off @ 5 a.m. for crew. i was still intoxicated, a lil confused, and not even remotely hungry (unheard of for me, as we well know).

i cruised blindly on my bike to the boathouse, where chattypants, an annoying but well meaning novice rower, proceeded to tweeze out the veins in my forehead by painfully sharing her NPS (no point stories). oi. i wanted to throw her in the the muddy charles, to gag her and watch her sink, to punch her animated face repeatedly w/ my mitts.

now i'm a morning girl myself, and it is my fault for being nice to her once, but she follows me around like tabby when i've got a can opener in my hand. make it stop, lord!

post-row i went to meet my new dr. she's great, but wasn't psyched about my drinking, lack of regular sleep, and stress levels. apparently my blood pressure is up there. they took a bunch of blood to ensure i don't have the creepy things that caused my father to stop drop and roll into a stroke 15 yrs ago.

and i sit here, w/ my vein twitching occasionally (from alcohol consumption or blood giving, we know not) thinking about how gross it is that i sell my white blood cells for $. blood in, blood out, blood in, blood out. for 9 innings. gross. i may be over that phase of $ making.

and i'm tote over egg donation.

i need to go sleep under a tree, or on the floor of the bathroom, or somewhere cozy like that.

insults and dead bolts

2006-04-06T14:54:00.000-04:00

never in my history of unproductive meetings have i left feeling so good about things. amazing what one person can do.

i went to the library @ lunch to get a dissertation i'd ordered- but it was in microfiche. and i refuse to use such a cumbersome and archaic form of data preservation.

i couldn't perform any successful searches on the indices and data bases either.

i then went to meet w/ my dissertation chair who has a way of making bad news seem pleasant and no news seem like good news. you can just imagine what good news sound like! oh baby. so i left knowing nothing more than when i came. and w/ a potential meeting for next week. no other game plan.

and yet i somehow felt like the sun was shining down on me and the world was mine, as dr evil says.

on a different note, i've written a greeting card. the cover reads,

"You're someone special"

and the inside reads

"just not to me"

hah!!!! I LOVE IT.

and yes, i love me,
mwah

paxil and nyquil

2006-04-06T08:49:00.000-04:00

with 10!!! hours of sleep under my belt, i could still use a nap. i fell asleep @ 7 p.m. last nt, stone-cold sober, and awoke @ 5 in time to row. do i have fucking mono? i mean, really, people. no school work is getting done. tis a travesty, really.

good ting i go to the dr tomorrow- maybe she can tell me if i have african sleeping sickness (something the quarter back of my high school had- he was named Lolo. isn't that awesome. big tough black dude named lolo. it shoulda been love, man!)

all that sleeping makes a girl hungry too. damn, i really am a teenage boy. it's all about sports, eating, and sleeping. god i love myself.

on the other hand, i don't love the general population. they, haps you, continue to annoy me- w/ your ridiculous ways and your lack of sidewalk rules, your secret joy about other ppl's failures, and your inability to secure a thought. nauseating really. more insulting to the simplistic lives some of us lead are the cruel judgements made by others, who aren't any better than anyone else- but must've believed their mothers when told they were special. you are not special. you are just like everyone else. as the new dean so eloquently stated, "we all put our pants on one leg at a time". and if you hop into yours instead- well, you're just trying to be different- which is creepy and getting old.

so, shut the fuck up. have a thought. write it down. do somethintg nice for others today, and for christsake- walk on the right side of the sidewalk!

faking it

2006-04-05T13:52:00.000-04:00

simplifying one's life can oft be really complex. whether it's getting a palm pilot, clarifying a relation, or hiring a maid- a lot of effort and initiative is involved. tis taxing.

almost as taxing as feeling like you're faking it through life. know what i mean? i sit in class, feeling like someone's gonna blow my cover and say, "she doesn't belong here". i feel like i'm faking my participation in lots of stuff like that: making home owning and repair decisions, jobs, meetings, social activities w/ acquaintences, etc.
very few things feel real, feel right.
good friends feel right, rowing feels right fekkin on.

the box of wheat thins in my belly feels less right. slightly ikky, even.

yours in scandal and zeal
bjd amerikana

me love fun long time

2006-04-03T13:58:00.000-04:00

being in the midst of the wedding and happy love long time bliss of my friends makes me

a) jump @ the thought of multiple new backless halter dresses for the occassions
b) feel even more confounded by adulthood
c) cause me to begin dreaming up my own wedding
d) all of the above

so, i never thought of flowers, floor length dresses and banquet halls as a child. not sure why. digging deep into my memories of growing up, i remember being terrified that i would never be able to get married b/c my fam was po', and it's always the bride's family that pays for the shindig. so, like a greek girl w/o a goat- i must've instilled some kind of independent streak in my self for fear of being sans dowry. anyhow, never too late to spit in the face of tradition and plan my very own to-do.

here's what i have so far:

dress: from j crew, obviously
decorations: ice sculpture entitled "tabby in motion". obviously
wedding drink: whiskey. obviously
this is my master plan for happy sun nicey wedding fun time.

please look for an invitation sometime in the next 8 years (before things begin to sag and such).

disclaimer: this is not a mockery of true love wedding fun time.

the acid lingers still...

2006-04-01T07:35:00.000-05:00

as i attempt to write my people before i take off for a w/e adventure where you'll be left to fend for your literary selves w/o me, i manage to spill hot, black coffee on my unclothed lap. ouch.

and i had to eat a veg burger for breakfast cuz ole bridget doesn't have any fukkin food in the flat. oi.

i have random thoughts to ponder so bear w/ me...

1) why do i suffer from drinking more than i used to? i'm noit even tirty yet. argh!

2) why do i spend the majority of my time pondering my dysfunctional relations, and equally- dumb things strangers do, when i could've cured bird flu by now if i'd only properly harnessed this energy?

3) why are my dear friends in cannes w/o me, when i'm clearly the light of their domestic life? (cruel, guys, cruel)

4) why did i have a weird dream about a) a focus group and messy meaty bits under my chair b) my granny needing a heating pad and a bicycle and c) my friend (U, doll, this was clearly you) getting pissed at my inability to organize my bicycle, heating pad, and other items effectively while she took me to visit my whippersnapper granny?

5) do men/boys get physically taken advantage of in power-skewed relations like women/girls do? i started thinking about this b/c a friend of mine is having encounters w/ a boy nearly 1/3 her age. will he look back and be psyched? feel abused? need therapy?

there are many many occasions in my life (most of them btwn ages 15-20) when i did stuff that i wasn't keen on doing w/ guys, and while it wasn't so clear cut as to what was going on then...i now feel like these occurrences haunt me and make me intimacy-challenged in some ways and make me afraid to have daughters, and make me distrust "growing up", and so, in this sick trip down memory lane that i try to suppress 99% of the time i wondered a) do other ppl have experiences like these and none of us talk about em? and b) how bout guys? are they victims as well?

so, thanks for reading...if you've made it this far. and thanks for the therapist- if you've made me an appointment.

mwah
bridget jones americana

yikes and oi

2006-03-29T11:06:00.001-05:00

manhattan's make my head hurt. wish i could visit the wrestling mats today.

many errands to run. can't lift...wet blanket...off brain...

shrimp remind me of seahorses. can't eat em.

i think i like living in squalor.

i need a new pt yob.
you should see the fruitloops @ the brothel. some can't spell, some are flakey, some like silly songs and have poor rationales for doing so.

and i quote:

this song captivated me for the longest time at the store. I also thought it was a woman singing, and I was struck by the raw emotion...being a Scorpio I am easily pulled in by raw emotion. So I found the song and went out and bought the whole album. I love it. It's such a beautiful song, and I am also very impressed that a man is singing to the moon, which is typically not a masculine symbol. I like men who are evolved into whole beings, meaning they accept that they embody feminine qualities without fighting them, which is why macho behavior is such a turnoff to me. It signals weakness and fear. So I like this Jason Mraz, because he is celebrating the moon in a very affectionate way for how it makes him feel.

princess bitch

2006-03-27T10:51:00.000-05:00

i sit here, whining like a lil bitch, i'm so tired, school is so hard, my train was three hours late, i had to find a taxi @ 2 a.m., my head hurts, i'm hungry, i'm confused, my lips are chapped....

shut the FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF up!!!!

yesterday amtrak was three hrs delayed b/c someone committed suicide in front of the nicey train.

i heard the story of the two kids who died in a car accident last nt in hopkinton (and secretly feared one was db's lil sis) and felt sad. lil did i know they're my classmates kids!! one of the nicest ppl i've ever met has just lost his family.

how the hell can i complain about my skim milk going sour before the expiration date?

sorry, folks...you'll have to wait a day or two before i spew more nonsense forth from my curse-laden lips.

engulfed in drama dot com(ma)

2006-03-20T14:00:00.000-05:00

besides the desire to have a gun strapped to my boot and a pen chant for punching, i like to think that i wish to live a stable, steady, somewhat serene life. yet i'm always gettin myself into some sort of trouble. if it ain't contractors, sellers, lawyers, professors or cohorts that are making my blood boil and my milk curdle...then it's men.

damn the drama. where's the calm(a)?

i like ryhmes.

i also like overeating and wandering the aisles of pricey groceries in desperation for a sign from the ice cream section.

well, i gots me gun school, bitches.

enter to win here! drama w/ me. free! the stories you'll tell. priceless

green spleen

2006-03-17T16:21:00.000-05:00

today was a big day for me. i managed to share some of my innermost thoughts w/ ppl i am close to. granted, i did it all through email. but still, this is a nicey move for moi.

so now i get to sit here and stew and wonder if the shite i shared was perceived as intended, if i've made someone cringe, if there will be a new market for voodoo dolls of me.

tis St. Patrick's Day and i'm beat! i need to get my mickey pants on and roll with the slurred punches. i need to stand atop a table and sing umm...what shall i sing? oh fekk it, i need a nap.

blame it on the rain, milli.

2006-03-14T11:06:00.000-05:00

gosh, sometimes do you get that nauseated feeling in yer stomach but yer not sure why? something's gone amiss in yer wee head- but what can it be? i feel like my attempts @ being a decent person are only going to backfire against me...and there i'll be, sittin on the curb-confused as hell, waiting for someone to find me and be my smail. what the hell is naggin me? napoleon- will i ever know?

so i had a dream last nt that the ppl i babysit for told me i had to "get clean" before i could watch their youngins again. hah! then again, i also had a dream that my senior citizen dorm had a party w/ pink cake and didn't invite me. they were v mean and dubious about it.

i trust less and less by the day. i think i might love less too. soon i will be cat lady hermit cave girl.

i blame it partially on the cock n brothel. partially on the general population.

let it all hang out

2006-03-10T11:20:00.000-05:00

so i was chillin in the management library yesterday- lookin @ books n stuff. and i had to pee, yo. so i went to the loo and when i pulled up my skirt i realized i was wearing skippies that db had given me. i was annoyed at the butterfly thong and all it represented. so i took it off and left it in the stall. it was quite refreshing, literally. :P

i had the urge to purge. i would've set em aflame if i a) had more passion for the subject and b) wouldn't get yelled @ by librarians.

anyway...just wanted to share.

things that make you go 'ewww...'

2006-03-08T13:11:00.000-05:00

so, i'm @ work, but my tele's broken- so i can't communicate effectively w/ the outside world- the sane world!

you thought once i got 5g's from my seller that i'd stop whining, right? WRONG. there's just so much to complain about and so little fulfillment in the work and school environs i frequent. i know, i know...you too. i feel yer pain, baby.

so, i was in a meeting this morning and my coworker's breath reminded me of that of the first guy i ever "dated". i was 15, he was 16, his name was Toby something. i didn't like him, but i didn't dislike him, and i felt like a girl was sposed to "date" (thanks to sweet fekkin valley high books) so i did. we went to the movies and he tried to hold my hand- but his was sweaty. ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. then later he drove us to a parking lot by the harbor and tried to make out w/ me. ewww. and i didn't like the smell of his breath. eww ewwww (that's a double ewww). it was rank, but it wasn't very 'come fekkin hither' either.

needless to say, he didn't make it v far w/ me. but off he went to college- and wrote me poems that i never cared about or for. i think he's the reason i have a history of some serious intimacy issues. well, a piece of the ewww puzzle.

sometimes sarah mclachlin makes me want to cry. am i a pussy or what?
well, off to shoot me some guns.

pee on me!!!!

2006-02-27T10:16:00.000-05:00

it's cruel when you're paid ha'penny to toil over appliances and vases for the middleclass. it's crueler when bitchy, righteous mothers tell you their kids gonna pee on the floor cuz the restroom ain't fer publick use. yeah, that'll show me- traumatize yer kid for life. people can be so ridiculous and vengeful.

i remember when i first peed my pants. damn, it sucked. so there i was - rockin the first week of kindergarten like a sweet tot. chillin in my kangaroos, learning like an animal! i was a bit shy, and afraid of authority. it was almost the end of the day and i really, really had to pee. i wanted to wait til class was over cuz i thought it was bad to interrupt whatever mrs. cole was doing to tell her of my need to relieve myself. well... i finally gave up, and ran outta the classroom - likely holding my cooch, doubled over.

i ran into the bathroom, but before i could pull my hand-me-down jeans (my brother's) round me ankles, trickle trickle flow went the warm urine down my legs- soaking my pants.

i was horrified! i don't know if the worst part was a) post-peeing on self i realized i was in the boys room- the urinals tipped me off, b) i had to go back to class in my wet denim for the last few minutes of class, and face frank gesualdi- my 1st crush, or c) the cold, wet walk home past the bad ass, bad neighborhood junior high and all its students on the grounds after school.

so, please, lady- don't have yer kid pee at the cock n brothel on principle- take her to the starbux acroos the street. it'll make her life less damaging.

mail, male, maul

2006-02-22T09:52:00.000-05:00

fekk it 'tall i say! just when i thought those sniveling lil karma shites were done fekkin w/ me- they come back for round 9. ding ding ding. i would love to quit school and pursue my dreams as a PE teacher- but really- can one bag three goddamned years of school to shoot guns in a tutu?

other than general displeasure with the world- i got nothin but fukked up dreams about wankers and pregnant chicks who will have cancerous babies b/c they were sprayed w/ flame retardant materials for convenience of not getting set aflame. wtf?
this sassy flame retardant lassie in my dream was db's wife. geez! talk about weird. the worst part? i made my debut in clothes unfit to wear while painting a house with blind people. one should never look that unhot. especially while fighting w/ one's ex...even if it is a dream.

btw: no longer want bangs. am over it. love my hair.

and a lil sumpin sumpin fom the ny times today:

"It's something wonderful to get a letter. The paper, the stamp, the envelope. It is not just a piece of paper. It is something sacred. "
IBRAHIM ISMAIL ZAIDEN, a postman in Baghdad, Iraq.

Ibrahim, i agree!!!!

i sue you, you RE whore!!!

2006-02-17T11:46:00.000-05:00

RE: Demand for Relief Pursuant to M.G.L. c. 93A on Behalf of
pretty pretty princess

Dear Dickweed:

This firm has been retained by pretty pretty princess (“princess”) with regard to the misrepresentations made by you in connection with the sale of the treehouse (the “Property”). This letter is a formal demand, pursuant to M.G.L. c. 93A, that you immediately remit to princess $10,762.50 to cover her assessed share of the substantial envelope repair project at the treehouse.

As you know, princess purchased the Property from you on June 14, 2005. The original language contained in the purchase and sale agreement read: “and the seller has no notice or actual knowledge of any pending improvements, repairs or replacements or plans therefore which would be likely to result in a supplemental assessment or significant increase in the monthly common expense for the unit.” Prior to signing the purchase and sale agreement, you informed princess that the windows for all units would be replaced and that the cost would be paid by all unit owners. In light of this disclosure, your lawyer suggested removing that clause from the purchase and sale agreement. Your attorney also suggested the addition of paragraph 14 of the rider, which reads: “buyer agrees that buyer shall be responsible for any assessment if said assessment is promulgated by the Condominium after the date of closing.” The plain implication for these changes to the purchase and sale agreement was that the replacement of the windows was the only issue of which you were aware.

Nevertheless, at the time you and princess signed the purchase and sale agreement, you were also aware that a substantial building envelope repair project was also scheduled to occur before or concurrently with the window replacement. In fact, nearly seven months prior to closing on the sale of the Property with princess, you received a letter (attached hereto) from bigcondohomies to all owners dated November 29, 2004, which specifically informed owners that a “significant undertaking” to repair the building envelope would occur prior to or concurrently with the window replacement. During the course of your negotiations with princess, you withheld this information from princess despite your awareness of its imminence, large scope, substantial cost and despite your implicit representation that nothing like that would occur.

You fraudulently obtained princess's consent to pay for special assessments by withholding information concerning the significant envelope repair project, of which you were well aware. The undisclosed envelope repair project requires a special assessment of $10,762.50 above and beyond the window replacement, with payments to begin February 1, 2006. Had this additional project been disclosed to princess during the negotiation process she would not have consented to the suggested changes to the purchase and sale agreement, the suggested addition to the rider, nor would she have purchased the unit without an agreement to cover this additional cost.

In light of the foregoing, I now formally demand that you remit to princess $10,762.50 to cover her assessed share of the substantial envelope repair project at the treehouse. If this demand is not met, then princess intends to take legal action. Further, such action not only will involve allegations of misrepresentation, but also will include a claim for deceptive and unfair business practices in violation of M.G.L. c. 93A. Indeed, the Chapter 93A claim has a very high likelihood of success under the relevant case law. See, e.g., Cambridge Plating co., Inc. v. NAPCO, Inc., 876 F.Supp. 326, 336 (D.Mass.1995) (fraud and negligent misrepresentation constitute violations of Chapter 93A). See also 940 C.M.R. 3.16 (Attorney General’s regulations), stating that:

[A]n act or practice is a violation of M.G.L. c. 93A, §2 if ... [a]ny person or other legal entity subject to this act fails to disclose to a buyer or prospective buyer any fact, the disclosure of which may have influenced the buyer or prospective buyer not to enter into the transaction ....

Further, because the unfair acts and practices in this case plainly were undertaken knowingly and willfully, you will be liable to princess in an amount equal to at least twice her damages related to the envelope repair project and possibly three times that amount, as well as being liable for princess'scosts and attorneys’ fees. See M.G.L. c. 93A, §9. Thus, do not make the mistake of thinking that princess will view this case as one in which she should substantially discount her expected recovery to offset the anticipated legal fees.

Notwithstanding princess's plain ability to prevail in a lawsuit and obtain a judgment against you that could exceed $100,000 after all of the damages and fees are calculated, my client still is willing to settle this matter without resorting to litigation if she immediately is paid the $10,762.50 to cover her assessed share of the envelope repair project. Moreover, such a settlement would be in your best interest because it will (i) eliminate the likelihood of a much larger judgment being entered against you by a Court of law; and (ii) avoid the need for you to spend money on an attorney or attorneys of your own. Accordingly, I hope you will accede to this demand and agree to remit to princess $10,762.50 to cover her assessed share of the envelope repair project.

No matter what your response to this letter, please direct it to me and do not attempt to contact princess directly. Finally, please be advised that if this matter is not settled within 30 days (the time allotted for a response under Chapter 93A), I will assume that it cannot be resolved without resort to litigation.

Sincerely,

niceybigbadlawyer

cc: princess

WWJD

2006-02-15T22:19:00.000-05:00

what would jeezus do?

i am starting to ask myself this as i realize that i must have offended the higher forces and someone is trying to give me a sign.
is the higher force sappy letter writer (note: letter removed), db (like a bad test)? i ask b/c shite hit the fan round the time both these ppl were forcibly removed from my life. hmmm... i doubt it but you never know.

should i pull an earl (dude w/ tv show) and try to fix karma by un-doing my evils?

should i turn to religion? meditation? whisky?

i met a woman @ the bus stop the other day who informed me that jesus loved me. then why is he torturing me?

is this just being a grown-up? will everything go wrong inherently?

am i cursed? maybe i really am mao ze deng reincarnated.

to add to my list of ppl i am ready to beat w/ an iron pipe- my dissertation chair- for steering me down a road of quicksand, alligators, and drag prostitutes.

i will begin making lists of happy shit tomorrow. maybe positivity will turn this frown into a fist.

oi vey boys, yer killin me

2006-02-09T12:35:00.002-05:00

when you wake up w/ a scratch on your face that gets you asked by yer boss if you engaged in a knife fight w/ a puerto rican, but you don't recall how you won this badge of war...it's gonna be an interesting day.

after duking it out over my immense love for tabby and refraining from the instinctual fist o' cuffs- i also earned the equivalent of heart burn. as if it wasn't bad enough to feel crappy but to also have a hard time explaining why i love kitty-- in rational, non-crazy-cat-girl terms, i came to start my day w/ an email from a sad lad which was depressing on some level, but also too fekkin funny not to share w/ my nerd blog world. i've bleeped out the names to keep it anonymous- as i'm sure karma will eat me for brekky as it is for sharing someone's sincere thoughts. i am a BAD person. feel free to send me your love/hate notes for posting. make me feel better about being an asshole.

LETTER REMOVED DUE TO BAD KARMA

oh dear. vomit bag please. but wait. thank goodness for one of my bestest buddies ever who retorts:

"I wandered lonely as a cloud,
That silly stuff I think, I should never say aloud...
Woe is me for getting dumped
If I got her back I would be pumped
Alas alack 'tis not to be
She loves her cat, but why oh why not me?"

hoorah, my lil mickey. i love YOUR poem!!!!

i'll need therapy fer sure now, mom

2006-02-08T13:39:00.000-05:00

my face is weather-beaten. all those dry spots. even lubriderm can't help me now.

went to ny last w/e to party w/ the fam and i had me a hell of a time making everyone pose w/ my cat toy- charleston the mouse, getting my grounds read from my turkish coffee, playing the keyboard like ross on friends, only w/ rollers in my hair, and hula-hooping. i realized that there's something about visiting the fam that causes both moi and my brother to EAT compulsively. is it stress? comfort? damn good food? analyze that, bitches.

my ESL stepfather told my mom, as he read her coffee grounds, that "someone @ work will get on her face". well, i don't think he meant straddle and mount. i think it should've been "get in". but it was pretty fukkin funny to hear @ the dinner table in a restaurant.

the only worse visual was when my mom said " do my grinds say i'm going to have sex tonight?" ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, visuals, ewww. must we go there? i saw my stepfather naked once by accident, when i was 11 or so, and i thought i'd vomit and follow morrissey's footsteps for sure. we're lucky i can function on basic levels after that. jeezus.

my older brother boldly (and accurately) stated that me blog has been "less groundbreaking"! is that a dare? cap a cap, o'brother, just wait and see what trouble i'll get into just to be rebellious.

gosh, i need to start drinking heavily and hitchhiking again, cuz really folks- i got nuttin.

but i am working on revamping my life and declaring adulthood.

and i did manage to dodge immoral acts w/ married ppl- though it would've made a much better story if i hadn't (dodged, that is).

what have i done lord?

2006-02-01T15:31:00.000-05:00

you may ask... what the efff have i done to deserve all of the crap dumped on me these past few months? did i take mary's virginity? i mean, really, lord, what have i done?????

just when yer like, "oh phew, the nicey man fixed my fridge"- it's like BAM!!! more shite hits the fan. i've had just about enough from all of you and i'm gonna go grey sooner than my crow's feet can keep up. lordy lord.

good thing it's kitty's birthday and her pressies are awaiting her, wrapped in kitty paper. she's already gnawed through one (the nip). i love those fangs.

i would love to dig my fangs into your earlobs (only if they're clean) and squeeze the fleshy bits between your thumb and pointer finger. then again, you may lose a nipple hangin out w/ me.

what hasn't made me hide in the bottom of the whisky bottle has only made me stronger.

i'm off to ny to celebrate the sweet 16 of my smashing brother. i like to think he's innocent and pure-like i was when i turned 16. seriously- i didn't have any interest in boys other than kirk cameron as a youngin. after that birthday it was all down hill. i blame it on bob #1- who's balls shall hang from my ficus tree if we ever meet again. i doubt his sorry, slimy ass has made it out of ny. maybe a reunion will occur. come hither ye unich. i will eat they for breakfast, bitch.

on a nicier note:
happy Tabby birthday!!!!!

c'est ne pas! bitch

2006-01-24T19:52:00.000-05:00

welcome to my complaint desk. if you want to file a complaint- fekk off. this is about me, stoopid.

complaint numero uno: i still hate that fekkin cheeseloaf. i'm gonna pop her tires. bitch.

duo: my fridge dies AGAIN this w/e. lost food, and another month off my life tally. contractor- aka dickweed - fixed it by "yiggling the cord". i think he fukked up the voltage last time and lied and now pretends it's "yiggled and ok". please email me if you want my full fridge story. maybe you can help me decipher between truth and fiction w/ dickweed.

tres: my professor for this term seemed kindly enough but i soon realized that she plans to pick her teeth w/ me. not unlike cest nes pas cheeseloaf. get this: in the syllabus it states that part of our grade is based on participation and on a rubric she'll use to "judge" me there stands a column for "irrelevant/distracting comments". has she met me? that's what i do. that is, actually, what i did for the three hours prior to her reading that in class tonight. ahhhhh... must everyone have a stab @ fun loving me? whores! whores all of em, i tell you!!!!!

if you think i may have due cause to have filed a complaint against you, you may want to check in w/ me before i crush you like borak on the ali g show threatens to crush woman who cheat. "i crush".

booyashaka.

btw ... i have a lawyer named "shep". hopefully he's more intimidating than me in pigtails.

he crush?

hi, honey, i'm home

2006-01-20T15:47:00.000-05:00

have you missed me?
ok, so i didn't really go anywhere. but my head's been firmly lodged up my ass w/ work, work, and more work.

last night i dislodged my head by drinking enough whiskey to cure bulgarian throat disease in a pack of donkeys. ouch. when you leave yourself messages at work from the bar about when to next go drinking for a sing-along w/ ronan quinn...and you can barely understand your own message b/c of all the slurring- it's time to put the schnifter down. well, @ least one of the schnifters.

well, i outlived my coworker- who left work "ill" this morning. i feel her pain, man. i'd have my head in the toilet if i could.

in an attempt to drink less, and of course- reduce debt, i called the brigham n women's fertility center today. i can see it now: couple looking for high-stress, ocd, whiskey-pickled eggs. ewww. remember when dido would eat all the eggs (different eggs, people) @ the B-side? girl loved them eggs. btw... rumor has it hairball's comin' home. i love they, shorty!!!

a side of hives w/ your order?

2006-01-13T15:10:00.000-05:00

just kiddin' ... my kooties are gone. yeah, baby. grr...

so, today- dear fukkers- i come to you w/ three topics for ponderance.

the dancing gene: last night was the birthday celebration of one of our smooth-soled lads-who caresses the dance floor like he's floating by on a cloud. so suave. we were also graced w/ the dancing queen herself- who vogues and jives her way through the sweet soul of the chicken slacks. everyone was dancing. even the oversized nerd who made me want to cringe just watching him (he wasn't part of me possy, mate). so, why lord, why, have i lost my dancing gene? i have no rhythm- but that doesn't stop me from having sex. so why would it stop me from dancing? i'm not exactly shy or self-conscious. i used to dance all thr frikkin time. i'll have to ease in w/ some tango lessons.

the cheeseloaf: my professor from last semester, while nice enough in a dumb-lady way, is a bit of a cunt. she gave me shite advise all term about crap she knows nothing about. what's worse is that the cheeseloaf-some run of the mill 50 something, not fat but not fit, shiny faced -from oil (hence the name), american white chick ---married a frenchman---and thinks she fukkin french. not only does she pronounce shit w/ a french accent (you're probably from minnesota you geebag!!!) but she writes comments on my paper in french!!!! do i write my papers in mandarin? no, bitch! b/c it ain't a fukkin language class and i live in the fukkin states!!!! so she crossed out "regarding" in my paper and beside it wrote something like "c'est nes pas". who the fukk knows what she wrote cuz I DON'T SPEAK FRENCH!!!!!

the condo catasphrophe: yall may recall the buzzer bullshit. well, the condom association now claims i owe em eight fukking hundred dollars for repairs. i'm gonna saw their balls off w/ my bread knife. i hate them. i hate the condom association. i hate it all. feel free to request the letter of protest that will be composed shortly regarding this wanker bs.

coming next: how the hell can we make decisions about life when we have no clue what the fukk we're doing? (don't even pretend you have a clue.)

wacky pussy on the prowl

2006-01-11T15:46:00.000-05:00

owww quit it ...oww quit it.

this is how i awoke yesterday morning, as Tabby tried to eat me for breakfast. it was only 5:30 a.m. so i held my ground. well, i hid from her under the covers. she promptly moved on to eating paper- bags, envelopes, articles, whatever she could sink her sharp lil teeth into. (like when she ate my paycheck- so cute!)

apparently she wasn't satiated w/ the paper products ... b/c i then heard a seriously impressive crash bang boom!! i hesitated to get up and see what had occurred, but curiousity won. i turned the light on and there was my dresser-bare on top. the plants, about a dozen or so, and a lamp, which were previously housed on the dresser... were now entangled and mangled on the floor below.

Tabby, thank out lucky snaggleteeth, was fine.

although she was a bit pissy that i first salvaged plants, disposed of broken pots, swept dirt, tossed the lamp now covered in water and soil (i didn't like it much anyway) and laundered before feeding my lil hungry hungry hippo breakfast.

damn, i love that crazy pussy!!!!

bruins, beautiful bruins

2006-01-10T11:28:00.000-05:00

i am one lucky lassie!

volunteering for the bruins wives' carnival this past w/e landed me in the arms of many handsome athletes. grrr baby.

i learned that nick boynton is nyet married- just a baby daddy. and to a vegas dancer of sorts.

i saw sheer beauty that one can not capture in hockey advertising apparently. andy, hal- all v hott in person. tom fitz touched me ! "(well, we were taking a pic).

i love these men, more now than ever. i'm a fan for life. me-owzers!!

hope the dry cleaners can get my drool stains outta me knickers. uhhhh, hotties!

i'll work for charity anytime baby

chocolate covered bruins

2006-01-06T11:42:00.000-05:00

the good, the bad and the sad...

the good: i'm volunteering @ the bruins' wives carnival and get to spend all of sunday w/ those nicey men. sweet!!!

the bad: my fekkin plumber is totally fukkin me over and i am in desperate need of the cashola that he won't return to me. i'm gonna have an aneurysm over this shit.

the sad: one of the nicest guys i have ever dated sent me chocolate covered strawberries. so sad that i nyet feel nicey in the pants for him. it just makes me feel worse about being a bad person.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, oodie go gym now cuz me head's gonna 'splode w/ hatred for the plumbers and other dingleberries who have raped me of my meager finances. whores!!!!!

bringin' in the new year w/ a bang!

2006-01-05T17:49:00.000-05:00

LITERALLY... me wee head got knocked on its arse when a lady friend of mine tried to take me down. all in jest mind you. well, my nicey skull nyet found it so jestful. to boot, i also ripped my party dress and acquired a smashing series of bumps.

now i don't mean "the bumps" which my old dublin roomie called the event on your birthday where all the schoolchildren would throw you up in the air and let you crash to the ground as many times as you are old. well, the head injuries do explain some of the bizarre mickey behaviour. haha. like grown men wearing track suits in public. good thing i can get away w/ that. i love me a good track suit.

so, i'm getting the cold cock from my (new) plumber who owes me mad loot and now his tele's shut off. god damn. other than that, i'm gonna cruise right through these unsavory patches. chillin. thoughts of religion seemed quite calming and soothing just days ago, but nyet worry me wee comrades- this sinner is far from gone. if not jesus- who will cleanse my soul?

ISO Smail for SWF 29yo

2005-12-28T15:43:00.000-05:00

Yeah, bitches... for those of you that didn't read the village voice @ the ripe age of 14 dreaming of the creepy things the ppl in those ads did w/ each other and wondering how your various holes worked... let me translate for you-

ISO: in search of

SWF: single white female

yo: years old

as for smail- you'll need to watch Benny and joon to understand that. and if you don't get it- don't bother cuz you can't be my smail then anyway...

essentially, i need a nicey person for fun, mental stability, light housecleaning and care-taking. you'll figure it out as you go along. consider it fun community service aiding the mentally unstable. you'll have to fill out an application though. inquire within.

it's all fun n games til i hurt someone

2005-12-27T16:30:00.000-05:00

yeah, whatta you got? i just returned the nicey bug skirt from j crew that i obsessed over for mths and bought myself for my birthday. no cash flow yo. they only gave me the sale prices (1/2 price!!) cuz ya know- i wore it once. well, they didn't know that- they just saw it hadn't any tags and i was all "what receipt?" you do what ya gotta do. didn't need that skirt anyhow. stoopid bugs.

after almost coming to blows w/ drunken white boys who were harassing sleeping homeless ppl on monday nt (or rather tues morn) @ 12:45 a.m. in harvard square, and watching crash, i'm a lil depressed. oh wait...i was depressed before.

but i figured out why. boys, this ain't for the weak so you may need to stop reading soon. i have my period for the 2nd time in 3 yrs! gross. prob cuz i was boastin' that i don't gots one. sheeet. well, on the bright side, it t'aint a real one. more like a cruel, yet gentle, reminder that i, too, have a reproductive system. gee thanks. so.... maybe this is why i'm a wreck? yeah, well it's a nicey scape goat, no?

i'll leave you w/ a tale of yesteryear. so, i'm at charlie's in harvard square drinking w/ db's boys (db was nyet there)...oh say 5 yrs ago...living in coolidge corner @ the time. i am hammered!!! i get on the 66 bus which would have dropped me off right outside my housey- had i not fallen asleep on the bus and awoke in dudley square (meaning not a good hood for a drunk girl to be @ 1 a.m. in a mini skirt and knee-high boots). i was cold, confused- hell, i was drunk! and it took me forever to find a taxi. it was v sad for lil ole me. but we can laugh about it now. hah hah

i'll smack that condescending smirk off yer face. watch it

hate and disillusion- week in revue

2005-12-27T10:45:00.000-05:00

ok: a brief update of why i hate, and some of why i love....and why i shouldn;'t even bother trying...

thursday: lovely luncheon w/ boss and cohorts. had a blast. too bad coworker suggested i date his hair piece sporting eccentric cousin who's gotta be pushing fifty. have i really reached despair? jeezuz save my soul.

friday: took on sitting upon children for $. actually looking forward to it. mostly cuz house has cat.

friday: fridge to be replaced. the stoned, sniveling little shits that delivered new unit fukkin jostled cabinet/granite and fukked up wall and sozio- owner of shithead sozio's is trying to say it wasn't their fault. fukk this house owning bullshit!!!!!! i HATE THEM. FUKK YOU SOZIO

sat: go to nicey ny and see nicey fam and realize how much i love big brother and nicey sis in law.

have nicey holi, and have blast w. granny, who spends entire day making pantaloons for the stuffed lion i gave her in march. love the nannypants!!! love mom too, and of course ADORE wee brair. even was ok w/ step-pants.

long story short (for now, cuz you know i'm long winded. bitches): wake up this morn and my kitty ate my paycheck. hah! brought pieces to bank like bad mom of nicey paper-devouring cat.

if yer in the trades: today I HATE YOU

who's that girl in my party pants? you sexy bitch!

2005-12-23T10:35:00.000-05:00

last night was my nicey holiday party and oh what fun i had. i am, indeed, quite rusty @ being a hostess, but that aside, it was good craic.

there was some exchanging of the pants, some darts, and some dancing. i think we lasted til 2 (?) and given the 13 person plus pussy count (in my one room treehouse) - i'm impressed that we didn't get yelled @ by the biddies in my senior citizen dorm.

i'm finally outta my funk, which is pretty sweet bro. now i can get on the train tomorrow morning w/ vodka in my v-8 and a back-up flask o' whiskey and hit new york in proper form. detox, my ass- it's ON boys!!!

yum, that breakfast candy bar was tasty.

it's like jonathan richmond once sang, "we need friends to come over to our swingin' pad".

so, come over!

detox

2005-12-21T10:39:00.000-05:00

detox, botox, gimmee a whiskey on the rocks.

ouch, sucks to wake up fully clothed w/ stains on forehead from the confetti i spit-glued to my forehead. at least i untangled the silver tree branches from my hair before going to work this morning. too bad sleeping in plastic holiday necklaces leaves stains on yer neck. i look pretty. heheheheh

shoulda known how it was gonna go down. crashed a holiday party @ a place where i haven't worked in 3 yrs (that sounds depressing, i know, but it's fun). kicked it w/ one of my best biddies. drank too much. fell asleep on the bus to a diva's birthday party in jp. do i have narcolepsy??? drank lots, decorated self w/ bar holiday accessories, pondered how i hate ppl. i don't recall much on the way home.

of note: one of our nicey frens (much nicer than moi) got into a fist fight w/ a crazy guy en route to bar. bizarre.
and another nicey fren karaoked the birthday diva and it was totally hott!

i didn't even know i liked karaoke til last week.

so, i'm gonna detox til nye. i drink too much. i am a bit of a mess in a dress.

plus, sobriety is good for poverty.

think i'll take a nap in the wrestling room @ lunch...

cold cox

2005-12-20T13:57:00.000-05:00

haha, i love it. a girl after my own juvenile heart. A SNOW PENIS!!!

poverty barn

2005-12-20T10:25:00.000-05:00

well, yall must be tired of hearing me sing the money blues.

so, instead i'll tell you about a dream i had last nt. i was hiking 'round jp pond but there were all these castles and forts there too. i was w/ db. we were trying to get to this castle by sliding down this grassy knoll... and i lowered myself down onto this ledge that couldn't have been more than 1.5 inches wide. i thought i could just slide down the hill to the path, but when i looked down again it was a straight fall down this stone wall to a concrete path-- 4 stories high!!!! i was on the brink of falling, holding myself up w/ my arms-the heels of my palms on the ledge. scared shitless. i asked db to grab me and pull me up cuz if i fell i'd break many bones, if not die. he said it wasn't feasible, and rather than both of us getting hurt in doing so, it was better for me to just jump/let go. i woke up seriously anxiety-ridden and terrified-- by my alarm. just in time. it wasn't gonna be pretty.

so what does that tell you about db and my experiences w/ him? jeezus. throw me to the wolves, he would. he did.

btw...i may also get in retail trouble for having extensively edited the posting filled w/ typos. goes to show: even if you can't spell, you can still sell.

still morbid, but less surprised by the evils thrown my way.

fukk me

2005-12-19T13:28:00.000-05:00

so, how can it get worse, you ask?
well, the shitehead contractor who still has crap to finish in my housey BROKE the building's intercom!!!! now I ( as in mememememememe) have to pay several HUNDRED dollars for the repair. i hate EVERYTHING. mostly $, my contractor, and my plumber. fukking cocksukkers. hate them hate them hate them.

please give me sedatives for christmas.

i want to live in a group home for the mentally ill where i can participate in arts and crafts and holiday sing a longs.

time to sell more blood. my arm's gonna fall off soon.

eggs anyone?

i hate you dot com

2005-12-17T10:48:00.000-05:00

if yer a an asshole, who's male, there's a chance that i hate you.
do you hang out w/ chicks just to hit on em? i may hate you.
do you ignore em when they say they just wanna be friends? i hate you.
are you creepy and elusive? i hate you.
do you cheat on yer wife? i hate you.
were you wearing red pants w/ santas on them last nt? i definitely hate you.
were you defending your boss (the guy w/ the fukkin country club santa pants)? i hate you too (though your girlfriend seemed lovely).

if you're male and you think i may hate you, yer probably right. you might wanna call for a confirmation.

my apologies to those i drunk dialed last nt to tell you how fukkin much i hate the males that i encountered on my eve'nin journey, but i tried to be considerate and call the west coast for the most part (time difference).

holy fukkin moly

2005-12-16T14:28:00.000-05:00

ok, so i need to become a prostitute, or win the lottery.

i have to pay 10.5 THOUSAND dollars in 6 mos to my condo association for the external repairs they're making to the building. i am soooooooooo fukked that i might die right now.

so, pls don't ask me to do anything that requires $$ ever again cuz i gots none.maybe i can get me some food stamps for christmas.

good thing bloggin is free.

on another note, my contractor- the worst laborer in the fukkin world, has broken the entire building's intercom system and i have to have it fixed!!!

what the fukk did i do to deserve this shit?

reversible panties?

2005-12-16T10:32:00.000-05:00

ok, so i am wearing my panties inside out. what? maybe i meant to do that.
well, i didn't mean it, but who cares really. blame it on the whiskey.

last night i hit triple D's w/ some of the finest singers and swingers in town. i had an absolute cock rockin time @ gary-oke (karaoke w/ your host gary). god love old-man neighborhood bars. i even welcomed the young punks into my heart. must be the holiday season. some swinger touched himself while singing. um, yeah, that's hott. and of course the ladies loved me. i've been a chick magnet my whole life. hey, someone's gotta love me, right? it was a mad BLAST. there was some ass-shakin, cash singin and crust punkin. trust me, if you weren't there, you wish you were.

though, i didn't really need that last whiskey...
now that's just the panties talkin.

the sassy lassie who's gonna help me sell my charm to nerds made a flyer for me. she noted i was blonde. ya think i can pass for blonde? i don't wanna false advertise.

the question of the day: do i go to shabbas (sp?) tonight? what? i can jew too.

the weather might be shite, but, baby, i'm on top of the world again. she's baaack.

betty fekkin crocker

2005-12-15T11:32:00.000-05:00

more like bridget bloody jones... (no, it never gets old for me)

so last nt @ 11 pm i baked brownies for the office holi party. i left the oven on all night long (something i've never done before). so, in addition to jeopardizing my and tabby's lives, and supporting NStar, i crisped some of the brownies. so i ate bout 6 fer brekky. gross now. good in the moment.

i've just had a brainchild. i am going to sell myself as a date (no touching) to nerds and others who need someone in a holiday cocktail dress so their cohorts are impressed. whatta ya think? my colleague is creating a flyer as we speak!!!

i was inspired by fuego pants and thereby bought a scratch tikky last nt. a $5 tikky on which i "won" $5. i'm gonna go put dat $$ back into the system. :) maybe i'll win more, beavis.

i feel slightly less grinchy today, though i'll still bite yer head off if you cross me. beware, bitches. bridget's back and on craic.

deck yer own halls, shithead

2005-12-14T08:00:00.000-05:00

not really sure what i'm lookin for... pretty sure i won't find it if i continue to live in a whirlwind where i fill every ounce of my time and avoid making decisions. should i stop flipping coins to decide my fate? at least i've stopped flipping cars off while on my bike (well, that's merely cuz i stopped riding. thought i'd have icycles of the poonani if i kept it up).

a guy on the bus yesterday said " colder than a witch's tit in an ice bra. i'd heard the tit part before, never the bra part. the things you learn on the bus in mental square.

so, um yeah, i've decided to start paying attention to the signs that the higher forces plant for me to help me make decisions. like panties (ask me, if yer curious. haps i'll expound on this). revolutionary, really. (insert sarcasm here).

well, other than being tired of my jobs, winter, cheeseloaves, shite relations, and my inability to tell ppl to go fekk themselves...i'd say i'm ready for some fekkin holiday cheer.

sukk on diesel, mate.

the lil old lady that lived in a studio, um ...shoe

2005-12-10T22:35:00.000-05:00

ok, so i think i'm on the verge of being one of the old, lonely ladies in my building who yells at movers, contractors, and anything else male- b/c they're angry they've been all alone for centuries.

so i played the role of retail diva til half nine (that's 9:30 to you micless wonders). then i took my swingin self to the tacqeria for a burrito. talk about sad. here, i sit, talking to kitty (well, that's respectable, me thinks) sippin sherry. thinkin...sould i watch a movie, write holi cards, or make an infamous list of things to do. ok, yup, am officially spinster like bridget jones. only not torn about daniel cleaver or mark darcy. and my mum isn't having an affair w/ orange julian.

really, i've got nothin for ya. so sodd off and stop trying to live vicariously through me. i have enough to worry about!

a three-way

2005-12-09T15:01:00.000-05:00

i'm contemplating getting a hand held shower head (girls, you know why) and kohler has a nicey one called the family three-way. that's just dirty.

it's snowing like a beast here. is quite divine from my cozy, christmas-cow-light clad wall of windows. i can't see beyond the sill, really. given that i'm cozy- w/ my tea and having downed 1/2 a pizza, let it snow ...

so, there's this video of me, as many of you know, dancing my pants off @ a friend's wedding last fall. it's quite a hoot given the level of intoxication necessary to get me to dance. twas a night of falling, rolling round in a rock garden, extreme dancing, and general poor behaviour. i was on fire! ice ice baby. so, i want the world to see me in my glory- but will that ruin the anonynimity of the blog? right, cuz yall don't know who i am. boo! it's quite a sight. i was once embarrassed, but now i stand holding my head high, and my highball higher.

i drunk dialed my mom!

2005-12-08T09:30:00.000-05:00

here i sit on a terdsday morn, pondering the eve prior. i dressed up like a princess. i was well-behaved -for a while. it was REALLY cold. i had a princess in crime. the bartender was hot, albeit w/ a band on his finger. it was all good. and then i realized in a club of 500+ ppl, that no one (save the bartender) was hott. i mean no one. there was nyet eye candy, not tarts nor vicars. they were all hohum. i was secretly glad that i could now go to bed knowing that i'm not missing any hotties in this population, but i was also a lil sad that i couldn't fixate on anyone, just for a drink. after double fisting my whiskey (it was so hard to get drinks, it being open bar n all- you woulda done the same thing) i pondered following the eminem lookin shady guy to the loo for kicks. but sumpin told me his girlfriend (who was bigger than moi) would've given me a few kicks. that didn't stop me from waiting outside the men's room, but dude was in ther efor a while. i gave up. ahh, that moment of clarity. good thing i had me head about me.

so this lil princess made it home before she turned into a pumpkin (well, only tabby can vouch for that) but apparently i made a few calls first. i made call #1, and hopefully didn't leave a mean or emotional message (eww...bad princess). and then i called my mom! which is fine save the fact that i didn't recall til i called her this morn saying "sorry i didn't catch ya last night. oh i caught her all right, in the web of my maturing alcoholism.

one more t(h)ing ya dirty mates... has your past come outta the woodwork? i mean really? tis the season for exes, marrieds, discards, and general men in my lives (i have 9) to come carolling @ my door. fekkin funny. obviously it isn't really me, the princess, that they miss...else they woulda come a hollerin in october, nyet december.

i woke up this morn (in a wee bit of a fog) and realized that tabby had dug the dirt out of my ficus tree potter. guess she's yearning for the outdoors? my treehouse is a mess! mostly cuz my clothes are strewn everywhere!!

happy holidays, bitches!

you are like my porcelain pony (ewww, what?)

2005-12-07T09:05:00.000-05:00

so i won my first dart night in ages. mind you i haven't played in ages. but it was good fekkin craic regardless. making nicey frens w/ new ppl- from crew. aren't yall proud that i'm reaching out? the old me would never be so open to new ppl. wow, the old me was a bitch.

you know, the old me (we're talking a couple years ago) never woulda sported a bra w/ padding either. i always thought it was false advertising, kind of like me being nice on a first date. hah! shudder to think. but now, ever since my lovely former roommate looked stacked w/ her pillows, i've been obsessed w/ em. even bought a new pair o' tits last night. well, i was lookin fer stockings w/ a black seam up the back, but couldn't find em. sorrow.

regardless, i will be a pretty pretty princess tonight in my spensive but savvy threads @ the swingin holi party.

so merv, the contractor, told me my potrack wouldn't fit in my kitchen and i should get another one. well, my tape measure says it would, and it's my fekkin kitchen, so stop pretending YOU live here merv, and hang the fekkin thing. he also brought the screen for my window, which i requested back in june when i actually wanted to open the cursed thing. well, let me tell you, i think he hired a blind, one-armed senior citizen to make the wretched thing. did i say rhombus?!?! jeezuz, joseph and mary. holy fekkin canoli. i could beat him w/ a pole (no, not a polak. gosh you're so racist).

i saw my favorite tender of the bar last night, which was exciting. good to know i always have a home in mental square. it's like cheers w/o a credit card machine or fraser.

i have yet to receive one damned holi card yet, so could you please get on that!

i have a neeting this morning w/ a medium-wig from the bidniz school. i can tell from his voice that he isn't a hotty. that shouldn't matter you say. WRONG i say. how can one expect me to get through the day w/o a lil eye candy?

instead of thinking of men as gum, i have evolved into thinking of em as those figurines in boxes of Rose tea that i thought were precious when i was lil. i used to collect em, all so different and exciting. i rarely got a duplicate. they were lil pearls to me. consider me an appreciator of men, then, if you will. most of you are lovely, at least as part of a collection (haha, don't be offended. you know i love ya).

my snowglobe is filled w/ whiskey

2005-12-06T09:17:00.000-05:00

there was an odour, if you will, on the bus this morning that was cigarette smoke and bad aftershave mingling. it wasn't whelming, but it was wretched, and it did make me feel vomitous. it smelled like my stepfather when i was younger. and while i'm learning to be amicable towards the creature, the smell calls upon less than fond memories @ best.

i guess it doesn't help that i can't shake this cold and am high on 'non-drowsy' meds. i am a cheap date indeed. slip me some robitussin and BAM, i'm yours.

i had to decommision my bike til the ice on the sides of the streets melts b/c it was a death fest waiting to happen yesterday. can't croak before christmas. well, i do have a will now. hmm...who will inherit all of my debt? hopefully not tabby. she's used to a lifestyle of victuals and naps.

my christmas cow lights are up in the office and i'm ready to rock around the christmas tree. i dunno bout yall but i'm psyched for a season of spiked eggnog and mistletoe. although i should do some soul searching and list making so i don't corner myself into being one of those old biddies in my apartment building who's bitter about being old and is therefore bold. well, maybe that'll be a new year's resolution. for now it's sugar plums and pinchin' bums for me (arses. not homeless people, mind you).

a lovely lassie emailed me my horrorscope:

12/4/2005 to 12/10/2005 VIRGO
You are in the mood, in the know and ready to settle down with someone whohas the potential to be everything you want in a partner. Set your goalsspeak of your intentions and prepare to move to the next stage.

i ate so many day-old desserts last night that i'm still ill. g-ross!

with love from lala land

merv the perv

2005-12-05T11:42:00.000-05:00

while i prefer to share naughty stories w/ yall, sometimes i really do need to use you like a journal, so, w/o further ado, tarts and vicars...my w/e in a nutsack, um...shell.

friday aft i learnt of my sincere and morbid poverty...
i was forced to take multiple cash advances on my cards to pay off my inappropriate contractor (i don't think it's standard etiquette for him to ask me how my sex life is going, or if i'd caught my cold b/c i slept naked). i was a wreck. broken, forlorn, depressed. so after my retail duties were fulfilled, me and my newly purchsed potrack hit the town. i started @ a bar where the tender of said bar is a guy who didn't make it to date 3 w/ me last year. while the whiskey was lovely, i was sad to learn that he thought he had a chance in hell w/ me. although, the new me is v v nice when conveying this info (as opposed to the old 'mean' me). i met many bizarre and disturbing characters on my one woman drinking tour and landed myself w/ quite a throbbing head the next morn.

luckily, i recovered in time for adventures w/ nerds followed by good, old-fashioned bar room brawls and misbehaviours. it was my personal heaven. i witnessed a bar tender flying over the bar to assist in breaking up a fight. there were even masses smoking in the bathrooms. it was like the swill n sweat moved to southie, but w/ tougher characters.

sunday i met chester mccormick, my tall handsome,nicey-smelling christmas tree. he's home hangin w/ tabby as we speak. i can't wait to see what i put under the tree for me this year.

lastly, i'll tell you that i started winter training w/ the men's crew this morn, cuz the lassies just can't get it together. it was good fekkin craic mate. even made a new potential dart partner, which is good fun.

i didn't hurt or get hurt. nobody fell, or flashed their bits, i didn't even buy myself any pressies. i hope to do more stoopid shite soon so i can tell you about it.

if you know anyone that wants to buy my blood, urine, toe nail clippings, pls let me know. i've got a whole new kinda debt, baby.

boo boynton, no joe

2005-12-02T10:03:00.000-05:00

so, as you may already know, joe thornton has been traded and is now a shark. bye joe, we'll miss you. what's worse, for me anyway, is the fact that my dearest nick boynton got married and had a baby!! the nerve. and i was gonna become an Ice Girl for him. shya. i'll hold off on those skating lessons now, nick. boooo... couldn't wait for me could ya? well, when down and out, tis best to rebound immediately. so, i've gots me a new bruin. pat leahy. well, yes, he's a bit young. and maybe not my type (i don't think i have a type any more - i color outside the lines), but he's cute. and he's from duxbury, so, you know, i'd get to holiday w/ the in-laws. 83, baby. go Pat! well, i've never yelled that name before.

on a different note, why oh why do we miss things that aren't good for us? that were barely tolerable in the moment? that made us stay up nights wishing we could vomit our hearts out? why do we carry nostalgia and love for shit that started years ago that wasn't even that good? shit that we'd never ever ever put up w/ now? is this the nature of the beast? is it a flaw of the heart that makes us think fondly of and cling to and hold dear to all this CRAP? we all have this, don't even try to deny it. the shit that you take from another person, that one person, who could get away w/ anything. and you don't know why... why you let them? why you love them? why you miss them? you just don't know. you bury it, hide from it, override it, but does it ever really go away? or are we all haunted and tainted for life? and how the hell do you saunter up to the table to anyone- saying, "here's what i got" when there's toilet paper stuck to your shoe?

and if you don't have baggage, you've probably never had a sincere relationship and that's even scarier cuz who the hell wants to train an emotional virgin?

jeezuz help us all. we are fekked!!!

i'm a stud magnet!!!

2005-11-30T15:53:00.000-05:00

ok, so i returned to that bizarre time warp on tues morning only to see that sweet potato crack whore was nowhere to be found. i thought fo shizee that they asked him nyet to return. but, lolo and behold, at 10:15 (2 hrs 15 min late) he waltzed into the fauz court room w/ his satchel. sadly, they nyet let him stay. i was hopin for some more spittle. he did leave his pie behind in the fridge.... crack laced snax anyone?

the good news is that i got a ton of h/w done during the trial. the bad news is that the dude that eats trash from discarded carts in revere asked me out. he was relentless. when yer standing 5 ft tall, have a clinical disorder, and are about twice my age, you should probably get punched for just looking at me. but i'm a softy for the challenged, so i didn't draw any blood. he asked for my #, i declined, he asked for my email, i gave him my hotmail acct -which we all know i NEVER use. i reserve hotmail for the deep homo newsletter and such. i even made up a boyfriend, but nothing would scare him away. he created a business card on the spot, wait til i show you, to give to me. koo koo...koo koo. he overheard that i live in harvard square and thought it would be great if we met up. groovy, i'll wear my bike helmet. he also overheard that i work at the cock (or as my out of touch aunt/uncle thought--the crackerbarrel--that's what happens to you when you live in florida. sad...v sad). luckily i stated that it was the chestnut hill cock, not the hvd square cock. let him go drool on some other swf.

God did not make us all equal

2005-11-29T07:15:00.000-05:00

so, as some of you know, i've signed myself up for all things that bear fruit in the form of the almighty dollar. My latest scheme being an out-of-court jury duty for which i took 2 days vacation from my real job. The case is totally legit and really fekkin compelling, to be honest, but...i'm not aloud to talk about it. Sorry. Haha. However, what is almost as interesting as being part of some surreal murder mystery dinner theatre are the ppl that participate in these bizzarro things. Not to be an egoist, which i am, but i was by far one of the most impressive creatures in the room regarding sanity, intelligence, success, attractiveness, cleanliness (we're talking drug use here ppl). It was quite sad to realize that my superiority complex could be validated so easily...

who would you like to hear about? Maybe the crack head who's constantly running the tops of his index and middle fingers across the bottom of his nostrils and sniffling violently? He slept throughout the entire afternoon. Musta run outta blow, yo. When they tried to feed me chicken sandwiches @ lunch (b/c that's what vegetarians eat in brighton?) he offered me his sweet potato pie. While that was v generous of him, the spittle that flew from his mouth onto the pie, and my arm, were a slight deterrent. He told me all about his low-income housing and his radio show. In between running to the car to “feed the meter”. Every 30 minutes? Wow, your meter must be on speed too.

Then there's the dude from everett who told me that he's a vegetarian too, yup... only eats meat when it's free. Like when he raids the trash for leftovers from the food trucks that service the big dig construction workers. Riiiiiight. He liked talkin to me too much, but was intimidated by my crack buddy so they played nicely off each other.

The cross-section of the population represented in the murder mystery today made me understand not only why i'm single, but why i love myself so fekkin much. God help them, one and all.

Urine-Nation 11/26/2005

2005-11-29T07:13:00.000-05:00

here i sit w/ an inflamed throat and a delectably guilty conscience over all the $ i spent yesterday on me, me, me. Black fekkin friday indeed, @ least fer me mastercard. Well, tell that to my party dress and coordinating shrug. Tell that to my plaid skirt.

So two night's ago i dreamt that i was dating a (non-existent in reality) guy from my crew team and it was all just so good that i woke up believing this imaginary relationship was true. You can guess the shock when i realized i'd made him up inside my head... then this morning @ 6 fekkin a.m. I awoke to dreams of punching a less than dreamy guy- SWOMP went my fist into his face. Do i get free therapy w/ that? Geezuz girl, take a sedative.

Instead of the sad facts of how many people i know who've cheated, mistreated, and broken their partners, i'd much rather share tales of Nannypants. My grandmother is a blessed creature. She used to be somewhat proper, well how proper can you really be when yer from the Bronx? Anyhoo...alzheimer's has given her the ability to behave like the silliest lil whiskey sipper i ever laid eyes on. She doesn't really drink, just seems like she does. She cracks jokes of great hilarity, hits on male waitstaff, plays the drums w/ her straws @ the dinner table in restaurants, lets me race her in her wheel chair, sings along w/ any stuffed animal that has a beat box in him (e.g. The singing love-a-lot care bear), her social filter is gone, and she eats like a horse. Save the fact that she can't always hold her pee in (really, that happens to all of us on occasion), she's a rockin babe. She even sports a turquoise velvet J-Lo tracksuit. Nanny rules!!!

so, on to pee. Think about all the places you've peed when you can't hold it in. maybe i should wear depends too... i've peed in the woods, side of a bridge, backyards, golf courses, the esplanade, snapple bottles (once in a car- this was tricky, and once in my dorm room when one of my friends was ripe to kick my ass cuz i threw a stolen pumpkin pie on him from 4 stories up and i was hidin like a scared bitch in my room). Hell, i even peed in my pants the first week of kindergarten. Maybe that's why frank gesualdi never asked me out. He was like the fonzie of kindergarten. Gosh, i liked him. Maybe it was cuz we had the same jeans- i always sported my older brother's hand me downs, and w/ pride mind you. Hey, frank- don't you like me? We got the same pants? Rarely does this act as a stimulant for a guy i now realize. Lesson learned.

Whatever, i'm starving and now you have to pee. Be on the lookout for me in my overpriced holiday apparel. And don't forget to tell me how stunning i look, lest i whiskey up and punch you too!!!